A Letter To My Baby Beginnings

The above post is from blog writer, Serenity Now! Whose title is hysterical and whose writing is amazing and true. While clicking onto her blog today, I found this beautiful letter that she wrote to her beautiful embryos that she lost about a year ago. The whole letter is so touching, yet, this one section went straight into my heart.

In my hope that you were right around the corner, I didn't realise that my body was broken. That no amount of yoga or acupuncture or meditation was going to give you a place in which to thrive. I lost myself in the hope of the next cycle. And with each negative, I threw the reminders of you away. As if you never existed.

I am so sorry for that. You deserved my grief.

I have felt this way regarding my second miscarriage. With my first, it was so intense, so unknown that every rememberance of that time still gets to me. I recall it vividly. I named that baby in my heart. I knew "his" due date and when he was conceived. For miscarriage #2, none of those things are true.

I didn't know that I was pregnant until the HCG numbers were still registering after the first episode of loss. Then they rose a tiny bit. We were confused until they began calling "it" a pregnancy. But then the numbers went down, and went away. The emotions I felt with the second loss, barely registered in comparison to the first. And I feel guilty for that. Guilty that one seems to matter more than the other when the outcomes were the same. My mom always told me that motherhood brings guilt. I suppose that it all makes sense then. To me, having a miscarriage does make you a mother.