On my post, Lessons I Have Learned Through Infertility: Assertiveness, a reader left the following comment:
It is almost shocking for me to read this as I thought I was the only person in the world to be feeling and living this way. I have the exact similar issue in my marriage where my husband has taken a lead in everything and I am just unable to assert myself. I am desperate to conceive now and this lop sided relationship has already become a problem. But reading your story has given me hope. Maybe my life and personality will also change for the better.
I understand this reader’s frustration because I have lived it. When you are used to letting other people make the decisions and then reach a place where you want to go a different direction, it can be challenging to change the momentum of a lifetime of being passive.
I, too, was desperate to conceive, and my lopsided relationship with my husband was definitely a problem. Hub would have been happy to let nature take its course indefinitely, especially since he was guaranteed lots of sex during my (theoretically) fertile time every month. If I had let him continue to lead the way, we would likely not be parents today. I had to learn to assert myself if I wanted to become a mother.
I found that the intensity of my desire to become a mother gave me the strength to go against a lifetime of passivity and find the courage to stand up for myself. This wound up being a very good thing for me. I was able to change the momentum of my life and am now an assertive person today. My assertiveness has come in handy as a parent, especially because my son has some special needs. If I do not advocate for him, then who will? And I ask that same question of you: If you will not advocate for yourself, then who will?
If you want to be a mother and your husband is dragging his feet, then you are at a crossroads. You can accept that you it might take a really long time for you to become pregnant, or you can stand up for yourself and tell your husband what you want. If he truly loves you, then he will listen to you. I am not saying that he will necessarily like his passive wife suddenly making demands (mine sure didn’t). Nor am I saying that he will not grumble about it. However, if he truly loves you, then he is going to want to help find a way to make you happy.
My husband changed course while kicking and screaming, but he did change course. My standing up for what I wanted was also a turning point in our marriage in a good way. Through this experience, we became more equal instead of having such a lopsided relationship. I hope that this happens for you, too.
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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
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