The third stage of the grieving process is called “bargaining.” In this stage the grieving person is known to try to make deals or negotiate the situation. This one does not have the most obvious correlation to dealing with infertility, but is actually the one that I most identify with. I was all about trying to make a bargain – if I could just get pregnant I would be the perfect mother. If I could just have one child I would never long for more. If I endured IVF could I be promised that I would have a child. If my husband would just stick with me through this hard time I would most definitely be his happy, fun wife again once I finally conceived.
There are all sorts of bargains that people try to make with themselves, with God, with their spouse, family or friends in regards to infertility. In this whole process there are a lot of unanswered questions. Why am I unable to conceive? Does God not want me to have a family? Why does this procedure work or not work? What can I do to give myself a better chance at success? And that is the crux of why so many find themselves in this stage. We want some sort of control in a situation where your sense of control is severely sacrificed. We want to be able to do something to improve the outcome. We want a guarantee that we are suffering for a reason and that we get what we want in exchange for enduring the trials and tribulations of infertility.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. No amount of bargaining or negotiating will be the catalyst to finally conceiving. Nobody really knows why some people conceive naturally after many years of not being able to, or why the first or third IVF works, or why some are never able to have a biological child. Believe me, though, if bargaining was successful I would have had children many years ago! Thankfully this, too, is just a stage that is normal for those who are grieving to endure and you are by no means the only one trying to make deals with God, the devil, yourself and anyone else who will listen.
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