I try to make it a rule that if I am going to whine or complain about something I should have an idea or opinion on how to make the situation better. In the case of infertility, and specifically when trying to advise on what should be said to someone facing fertility challenges, that is tough. I know what I don’t want to hear or be asked, but for some reason I have a hard time summarizing what I do want to hear. I think being supportive and knowing the exact right thing to say in tough circumstances comes naturally to some and to others it can be really difficult to convey how much you care and truly want to help. If you are anything like me it is often hardest to think of the best things to say when the situation calls for the most comforting words to be found – when a friend or family member is facing illness, death or infertility.
I know there are people reading this who may be appalled that I group infertility with illness and death. To me all three are actually pretty similar. Whether ill, or dealing with fertility issues and the loss of dreams and hopes, or mourning the death of a loved one, quality of life is affected. When something has such a significant impact on life and emotions you as a friend or family member want to provide reassurance, and be a comforting presence in a difficult situation. I wish I could just advise that when talking to someone who is enduring infertility you be supportive and understanding and that if you offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold your words will be perfect. Unfortunately, I just don’t think it is that simple. You see, to me those kind and thoughtful words were not reassuring. I didn’t want my friends and family to treat me as if something was wrong. I didn’t want them to make a “big deal” about my personal issues. What helped me most was the friend who said “Sheila, let me know if you need anything from me,” and left it at that. No dwelling on all of the poking, prodding, and emotional turmoil. No well-deserved pity party. That worked for me, it isn’t for everyone.
So, to answer the counter question to yesterday’s post – what TO say to someone struggling with infertility – I guess I have to be pretty vague and advise that you just say what comes most naturally to you and the relationsip that you have with your friend or family member. Of course, I am not suggesting that you say anything remotely similar to anything on the “top ten” list. I just think it is important to behave in the way that is most comfortable and familiar in the relationship you have with the person you are seeking to help. If you are friends who spend hours in deep conversation discussing every detail imaginable of every situation then do the same with the infertility issue. If you are sisters who are most comfortable actually doing something for each other offer to cook dinner or watch the dog when she has a treatment – she’ll know it is your way of saying that you are there for her. I guess what I am suggesting is that you just be yourself and don’t treat your friend any differently. Believe me, she already feels “different” enough!
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