There is a dirty little secret that a lot of infertile people keep – sometimes we want someone else to blame. Unless you know from the outset that one or the other of you has reproductive issues, there always comes that time when you begin testing to determine whose “fault” it is that you are having trouble conceiving. More often than not both partners have issues – but sometimes the male or female in the relationship bares the brunt of the troubles and therefore takes the “blame” for the inability to have a child. Let me explain.
When my husband and I first started to realize that we were facing fertility issues I knew that I was bringing a lot of baggage to the table. With PCOS, fibroids, and eventually a missing fallopian tube my problems alone could be enough to send a couple into years of fertility treatment. Nevertheless, I secretly hoped that there was some small problem with my husband if only so he could understand just a little how I felt to be solely responsible for demolishing our family-to-be dreams. I was, and still am, a strong advocate of testing the male first simply because the female testing is more invasive, and if there is something wrong with the male, efforts to improve a woman’s fertility can often be fruitless. So, we got the testing for him as one of our first steps and while his motility, morphology, etc. wasn’t stellar – it was not the reason for our years of inability to conceive.
That news meant that the “blame” was squarely on my shoulders and that sure was a heavy load. Not until I actually talked to my husband about my feelings of inadequacy and even thoughts that he should marry someone else who could give him children, did I know that there was no reason for my to carry all of that weight by myself. While I was wallowing in self-pity, he was growing sadder and more upset by the day watching me become so unhappy and squandering the good relationship that we had based on ridiculous assumptions about his blaming me. When I finally broke down and bawled to him all that I was thinking and feeling he expressed a number of emotions – anger among them. He was angry that I would ever assume that he married me for any reason other than that he loved me – not because of the children we intended to have or the idyllic family that we envisioned. When phrased that way – that he married me for me, warts (or fertility issues) and all, I realized that not only was I being ridiculous in my thoughts and worries, but I was also denigrating the integrity of our relationship and jeopardizing our “together we can fight this approach” by trying to place blame.
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