Feeling Different

Each year, for 11 years, I have gone an annual girls' trip to the beach with up to 10 (some years there are a couple that can't make it but we typically have 7 or 8 every time) college friends. Through the years our conversations have changed as together we have made it through the first years after college and trying to establish ourselves in our chosen careers; to getting married and navigating our way through the newlywed years with the help of friends and experience; to celebrating first, second, and even third children for some. This year there were two absent - one was nursing her third child and since we make this an absolutely no children, no… [more]

In the world of infertility you often feel as though you should be "game" for anything - you know that you are going through all of this to have a child and you can sometimes be made to feel selfish or unenlightened if you have a desire to have a biological child. If you want to be pregnant, you often have this niggling thought in the back of your mind that pregnancy should not be a goal - a baby should - and that means that you are always cautious when you talk about conceiving. I always made sure I talked about wanting a baby instead of saying "I want to be pregnant" for fear that I would be judged as… [more]

When you are struggling to conceive one of the things you long for the most is just to be normal. Nothing could make my jealousy peak more than when someone would tell of the fun and unique way they told their partner they were expecting. The innocence of a newly pregnant woman at only 8 weeks already planning her nursery and thinking about names would make me green with envy. The couple who talked about planning to have Johnny or Sally in the summer to coincide with vacation from teaching would literally make me want to scream. All of those reactions are very "normal" when you get pregnant easily, but when you stare at negative pregnancy tests month after… [more]

Right before I began my IVF cycle I could hardly concentrate on anything else; my every thought centered around the upcoming treatment. That is why I was sadistically semi-happy about the major toothache I got only a couple of days before my first monitoring visit. The pain in my mouth helped distract me from all of my worries, fears and concerns about the big step that we had taken moving on to IVF. I ended up needing a root canal and was referred to a great dentist. Since it was my first visit to that particular dental office we had to go through all the pre-requisite questions about medications. At the time I was on lupron. When… [more]

About four years ago my mother-in-law gave me a fertility doll that was supposed to give me good luck in efforts to conceive. Either I have unrealistic expectations on how fast that doll was supposed to work, or my particular fertility doll was faulty. Either way I don't think I can give credit to the doll for working four years later! The fertility "aid" got me thinking though, about the pressure from other people when we were having trouble conceiving, and my motivations behind so desperately wanting to have a baby. I sometimes had to take a step back and make sure that the main reason I wanted a child was for me and my husband, not to… [more]

I try to make it a rule that if I am going to whine or complain about something I should have an idea or opinion on how to make the situation better. In the case of infertility, and specifically when trying to advise on what should be said to someone facing fertility challenges, that is tough. I know what I don't want to hear or be asked, but for some reason I have a hard time summarizing what I do want to hear. I think being supportive and knowing the exact right thing to say in tough circumstances comes naturally to some and to others it can be really difficult to convey how much you care and truly want to… [more]

I am very active in my church. I am a member of both a Sunday School class and a Bible study. Inevitably, these classes get around to the Ten Commandments, and we talk about which commandment is the hardest to obey. Some people struggle with keeping the Sabbath. (I am happy to have an excuse to nap and read on Sundays.) Others struggle with "idols," such as Brad Pitt or an obsession with having more money. Those were not the ones that I chose. When I was facing fertility challenges, my answer was always the same: "Thou shalt not covet."

Most people talk about not coveting another person's spouse or material possessions. That was not the issue for me. Instead, it was coveting their… [more]

When I had been going through fertility treatments for a couple of years, somebody told me that "it's not like infertility is cancer. Nobody is going to die." I was flabbergasted by this comment. I am sure this person saw this comment as trying to reframe my situation so it would not seem as bad, but it just made me feel invalidated. Because I wasn't at risk of dying from infertility, it wasn't serious!?!!

No, my body was not at risk of dying, but there were definitely risks of "deaths" involved, such as the "death" of the dream of the child with hub's eyes and my nose. There was the death of my yearning to nurture a baby. Also, if I could not be a… [more]

When you are struggling with your fertility, it is easy to fall into the misperception that you are "just an infertile woman." Because so much of your life winds up revolving around trying to conceive a child, particularly if you are going through fertility treatments, it is easy to lose sight of the other aspects of your life.

You are a wife, a daughter, an employee, and a friend. You are a neighbor, a church member, a pet owner, and (hopefully) a law-abiding citizen. None of these aspects of your life ceased to exist the day you were diagnosed with infertility.

How do we lose sight of these other aspects of our lives? How do we wind up buying into the lie that we are… [more]

On my favorite morning radio show, the disc jockeys were talking about a new study showing that breastfeeding does not cause saggy breasts. They talked about how this is great news because the benefits of breastfeeding are well known, but many women choose not to breastfeed their babies because they do not want their breasts to sag.

This news story would have set me off when I was trying to conceive. I would have been so angry that some women would put their vanity over what was best for their baby. I would have railed at God about the unfairness of allowing women who care more about their breasts' shape than their baby's health to conceive while I could not. That news story would have put… [more]