Feeling Different

In some respects, infertility is a medical condition unlike any other.  Not many other health concerns are so deeply tied with the intimacy between spouses.  In fact, for many struggling with infertility, what is meant to be a source of love, solace, comfort, stress relief, is often nothing more than a reminder of one’s infertility. Most couples set off trying to start their families without much thought poured into it.  If they were using birth control previously, this may be the only conscious decision they make that shifts their attitude from prevention to pursuit of pregnancy.  If they were not using birth control, they may simply start to pay more attention to the woman’s menstrual cycle, or if they’ve done so all along, they may time their intimacy more purposefully near… [more]

There must be a reason for our infertility: either a medical explanation or a spiritual purpose.  I can appreciate the advice of well-meaning loved ones who try to point this out.  What I don’t appreciate is how quickly some people jump to their own assessment of our situation. Just because we don’t have children doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t be good parents. It hurts to hear that there must be something fundamentally “unparentlike” about us.  Are we not loving enough?  Not patient enough?  Do we not have enough wisdom to pass on?  Are we not responsible or mature enough to care for another human being?  Seriously, under what circumstances would it be appropriate for someone to suggest that the reason we don’t have kids is because we have been deemed as… [more]

For Mother's Day my husband and daughter treated me to a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite Italian restaurants. My daughter who is six years old still needs to be reminded to use her utensils and not her fingers and to sit properly in her chair from time to time. In other words, she needs to be reminded to use her restaurant manners. So, upon leaving the restaurant after our meal, we couldn't help but beam with pride when a woman at a neighboring table complimented my daughter for her excellent table manners and her behavior in general. Then it happened. Totally out of left field the woman asked if we were my daughter’s parents… [more]

In most societies, it is assumed that girls will grow up and have babies. We, as girls are given dolls to play with, babysit, help with others' kids and are taught nurturing skills in preparation to become a Mom. Historically, women had children at a much younger age and had more children. As women entered the work force, the size of families steadily became smaller and women waited later to start their families. Awaiting - It is a word that describes a longing for something. And, with the decision to become a Mom, we are awaiting the moment that we know is coming; we will be pregnant and have a baby. It is natural. Awaiting, for the woman… [more]

The Southeast Chapter of RESOLVE is having it's first annual Family Building Conference on May 1st in Atlanta, Georgia (CLICK HERE for more information). Beyond being a spectacular idea - getting people together with experts to discuss issues surroung infertility - it is also very well named! The conference intends to "address the medical, emotional, social, financial and legal issues associated with infertility and adoption." There are also some awesome give-aways, including a chance at a free IVF cycle and a free donor egg cycle, but I digress (as I am apt to do when someone says the word free). What struck me the most about the informational email I received about the conference… [more]

Each year, for 11 years, I have gone an annual girls' trip to the beach with up to 10 (some years there are a couple that can't make it but we typically have 7 or 8 every time) college friends. Through the years our conversations have changed as together we have made it through the first years after college and trying to establish ourselves in our chosen careers; to getting married and navigating our way through the newlywed years with the help of friends and experience; to celebrating first, second, and even third children for some. This year there were two absent - one was nursing her third child and since we make this an absolutely no children, no… [more]

In the world of infertility you often feel as though you should be "game" for anything - you know that you are going through all of this to have a child and you can sometimes be made to feel selfish or unenlightened if you have a desire to have a biological child. If you want to be pregnant, you often have this niggling thought in the back of your mind that pregnancy should not be a goal - a baby should - and that means that you are always cautious when you talk about conceiving. I always made sure I talked about wanting a baby instead of saying "I want to be pregnant" for fear that I would be judged as… [more]

When you are struggling to conceive one of the things you long for the most is just to be normal. Nothing could make my jealousy peak more than when someone would tell of the fun and unique way they told their partner they were expecting. The innocence of a newly pregnant woman at only 8 weeks already planning her nursery and thinking about names would make me green with envy. The couple who talked about planning to have Johnny or Sally in the summer to coincide with vacation from teaching would literally make me want to scream. All of those reactions are very "normal" when you get pregnant easily, but when you stare at negative pregnancy tests month after… [more]

Right before I began my IVF cycle I could hardly concentrate on anything else; my every thought centered around the upcoming treatment. That is why I was sadistically semi-happy about the major toothache I got only a couple of days before my first monitoring visit. The pain in my mouth helped distract me from all of my worries, fears and concerns about the big step that we had taken moving on to IVF. I ended up needing a root canal and was referred to a great dentist. Since it was my first visit to that particular dental office we had to go through all the pre-requisite questions about medications. At the time I was on lupron. When… [more]

About four years ago my mother-in-law gave me a fertility doll that was supposed to give me good luck in efforts to conceive. Either I have unrealistic expectations on how fast that doll was supposed to work, or my particular fertility doll was faulty. Either way I don't think I can give credit to the doll for working four years later! The fertility "aid" got me thinking though, about the pressure from other people when we were having trouble conceiving, and my motivations behind so desperately wanting to have a baby. I sometimes had to take a step back and make sure that the main reason I wanted a child was for me and my husband, not to… [more]