Emotions

I’m seeing double. Double lines on a home pregnancy test, that is! But hold your congratulations. I have been here before, and it did not end well. The way I see it, entering the two-week-wait after an embryo transfer, insemination, or timed intercourse is like entering a competition of sorts, even though we are not really competing against anyone. However, from listening to some ladies talk when they announce a negative result (“I’m out this month”), it would appear that the analogy is not that far off. Once a positive home pregnancy test is achieved, or for those with nerves of steel, the results of their first beta results are in, we are indeed one step closer to our goal. However, we are not out… [more]

While the infamous two-week-wait seems to be dreaded by most women, it's only because the focus so often is about what we want. "Obviously," you may say. But for a person of faith, it is not necessarily so clear-cut. This time of uncertainty offers several opportunities for growing in our relationship with God, and perhaps also with others. First and foremost, stressing over the desired positive outlook only sets us up for failure when, inevitably, so many of us do not succeed every time we try. Instead, we have an opportunity to practice truly turning our will over to God. Clearly, we desire that the cycle results in a healthy take-home baby. I'm not suggesting that we should try to want what we don't actually want… [more]

The time between an attempt at pregnancy (be that timed intercourse, an intra-uterine insemination, or an embryo transfer) and confirmation of the result of the attempt is commonly referred to as the two week wait. Generally speaking, it takes about two weeks before a pregnancy can be detected, even though the actual length of time can be slightly more or less time. Perhaps because we are utterly unable to do anything during this time that would bring us any closer to the desired result, this time of waiting is often dubbed “dreaded”. Speaking from personal experience, but also from noticing certain patterns among people struggling with infertility right along side me, a common theme among those waiting in their two-week wait seems to be one or more… [more]

Going into this frozen embryo transfer, I thought I had it all figured out. Since our last failed attempt nearly a year ago, we went on hold to try to align our plans with the will of God. Coming out of the hold period, I felt totally peaceful about this year; 2013 would either be the year that we finally became parents, or it would be the year that we would finally embrace our original family of two, created on our wedding day. I was ready to be done with this infertility roller coaster one way or another, and I could honestly see the benefits to either resolution. Then we transferred our two embryos last week. Subconsciously, I instantly realized how much I want this to work… [more]

Writing in the infamous two week wait. It has been 48 hours since our embryos came home. They were day 5 blastocysts, so we’re hoping they have already snuggled in nice and cozy and are growing well. It will be another 10 days before my first beta is drawn. Believe it or not, I did ask to delay the beta by a day due to work conflicts, but also because who wants to hear their beta results on April Fool’s Day? Going into this transfer, I was very relaxed and nonchalant. I’ve grown in my faith, and I am happy to participate with God’s will. I know that it may not work the way I hope. Yet I also know that it may work and… [more]

In some respects, infertility is a medical condition unlike any other.  Not many other health concerns are so deeply tied with the intimacy between spouses.  In fact, for many struggling with infertility, what is meant to be a source of love, solace, comfort, stress relief, is often nothing more than a reminder of one’s infertility. Most couples set off trying to start their families without much thought poured into it.  If they were using birth control previously, this may be the only conscious decision they make that shifts their attitude from prevention to pursuit of pregnancy.  If they were not using birth control, they may simply start to pay more attention to the woman’s menstrual cycle, or if they’ve done so all along, they may time their intimacy more purposefully near… [more]

There must be a reason for our infertility: either a medical explanation or a spiritual purpose.  I can appreciate the advice of well-meaning loved ones who try to point this out.  What I don’t appreciate is how quickly some people jump to their own assessment of our situation. Just because we don’t have children doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t be good parents. It hurts to hear that there must be something fundamentally “unparentlike” about us.  Are we not loving enough?  Not patient enough?  Do we not have enough wisdom to pass on?  Are we not responsible or mature enough to care for another human being?  Seriously, under what circumstances would it be appropriate for someone to suggest that the reason we don’t have kids is because we have been deemed as… [more]

For Mother's Day my husband and daughter treated me to a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite Italian restaurants. My daughter who is six years old still needs to be reminded to use her utensils and not her fingers and to sit properly in her chair from time to time. In other words, she needs to be reminded to use her restaurant manners. So, upon leaving the restaurant after our meal, we couldn't help but beam with pride when a woman at a neighboring table complimented my daughter for her excellent table manners and her behavior in general. Then it happened. Totally out of left field the woman asked if we were my daughter’s parents… [more]

In most societies, it is assumed that girls will grow up and have babies. We, as girls are given dolls to play with, babysit, help with others' kids and are taught nurturing skills in preparation to become a Mom. Historically, women had children at a much younger age and had more children. As women entered the work force, the size of families steadily became smaller and women waited later to start their families. Awaiting - It is a word that describes a longing for something. And, with the decision to become a Mom, we are awaiting the moment that we know is coming; we will be pregnant and have a baby. It is natural. Awaiting, for the woman… [more]

Welcome back!  In my last entry, it was March of 2002, and I had just suffered my first miscarriage, after a year and a half of trying to get pregnant.  In early May, as we awaited the non-arrival of my period, I imagined a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend wherein we announced this pregnancy.  I was 10 days late and had never been late before, except when I had been briefly pregnant.  However, just to be sure, we were going to wait until Mother’s Day to take the test.  On Friday before Mother’s Day, however, the worst weekend of our lives began.  My husband’s beloved mother passed away.  It was a weekend filled with pain and loss.  To make things even worse, we… [more]