Emotions

It's easy to concentrate on the negatives of infertility, but when I talk to friends who have "surprise" pregnancies or to those who are indifferent about having a child I realize that there is one "positive." We go through so much to start our families that there is no doubt that if and when we do conceive we know that the child is wanted and will be loved. Every moment of the pregnancy is precious and I honestly believe that infertile people sometimes have more patience with their children as new parents because they truly realize that they are miracles and appreciate finally having the opportunity to deal with a crying (or preferably happy) baby. Couples who are infertile… [more]

Men and women really are different in their styles of communication. Nothing highlights that more than when a couple is facing infertility. All I want to do in moments of crisis or emotional havoc is hash it out with my husband. I want to discuss all of the pros and cons, find solutions and make a plan. On the otherhand, it seems that all he wants to do is find every way possible to avoid the elephant in the room. My husband is the master at avoiding difficult discussions, which was very obvious as more and more decisions had to be made in our journey to be parents. I think what drove… [more]

In the world of infertility you often feel as though you should be "game" for anything - you know that you are going through all of this to have a child and you can sometimes be made to feel selfish or unenlightened if you have a desire to have a biological child. If you want to be pregnant, you often have this niggling thought in the back of your mind that pregnancy should not be a goal - a baby should - and that means that you are always cautious when you talk about conceiving. I always made sure I talked about wanting a baby instead of saying "I want to be pregnant" for fear that I would be judged as… [more]

I don't have many strong recollections of much that happened during my IVF cycle, but my husband reminds me constantly of one particular aspect of the treatment that had me very worried. At my clinic they bring you in on the day of retrieval and get you settled and drugged all the while allowing your partner to be in the room holding your hand and offering comfort and support. That is all fine and dandy, but apparently I was very worried that they would forget about my husband's role in the conception and wouldn't call him back to produce his sample. Before the procedure I asked repeatedly if they needed him and then afterward while pretty incoherent continued to ask every… [more]

There is a dirty little secret that a lot of infertile people keep - sometimes we want someone else to blame. Unless you know from the outset that one or the other of you has reproductive issues, there always comes that time when you begin testing to determine whose "fault" it is that you are having trouble conceiving. More often than not both partners have issues - but sometimes the male or female in the relationship bares the brunt of the troubles and therefore takes the "blame" for the inability to have a child. Let me explain. When my husband and I first started to realize that we were facing fertility issues I knew that I was bringing a lot of… [more]

It seems to me that a certain phenomena exists among those struggling with fertility that involves a "competition" of sorts among those having trouble conceiving. Those who are "just" trying clomid or similar medications to induce ovulation don't know true suffering. If you are successful with IUI or injectibles you haven't really had to endure the hard stuff. If one IVF cycle works you can't imagine the pain of multiple failed cycles. If you use donor eggs or donor sperm you are in a club of your own and so on. Same thing goes for age - if you are 24 and proclaim that you have been trying for sooo long, it is really hard for someone… [more]

When you are struggling to conceive one of the things you long for the most is just to be normal. Nothing could make my jealousy peak more than when someone would tell of the fun and unique way they told their partner they were expecting. The innocence of a newly pregnant woman at only 8 weeks already planning her nursery and thinking about names would make me green with envy. The couple who talked about planning to have Johnny or Sally in the summer to coincide with vacation from teaching would literally make me want to scream. All of those reactions are very "normal" when you get pregnant easily, but when you stare at negative pregnancy tests month after… [more]

About four years ago my mother-in-law gave me a fertility doll that was supposed to give me good luck in efforts to conceive. Either I have unrealistic expectations on how fast that doll was supposed to work, or my particular fertility doll was faulty. Either way I don't think I can give credit to the doll for working four years later! The fertility "aid" got me thinking though, about the pressure from other people when we were having trouble conceiving, and my motivations behind so desperately wanting to have a baby. I sometimes had to take a step back and make sure that the main reason I wanted a child was for me and my husband, not to… [more]

Today a friend of mine who has struggled with secondary infertility for six years gave birth to a healthy baby boy! The event prompted me to think back on our many conversations about trying to conceive and how afraid and scared we were to try IVF. My overwhelming wish throughout that time was to just finally get pregnant naturally and not have to "pull the trigger" and try in-vitro. As I remembered these thoughts and feelings I was shocked at the realization that now that I look back at my fertility journey I am actually glad that we moved on to IVF. That is definitely not something that I ever thought I would say… [more]

I am blessed with an amazing, wonderful husband. Despite the fact that he was supportive, and compassionate throughout our infertility journey, he is still a man and as such sometimes could just not understand why I felt or thought the way I did. A friend would announce their surprise pregnancy and I would break down in tears the minute I could get away. I would spend hours on the internet reading about the miracle of Robitussin or putting your feet in the air for thirty minutes and would be convinced that this is why it hadn't been working. At exactly 10 days past ovulation every single month I would start looking for signs and symptoms and… [more]