Grief

For Mother's Day my husband and daughter treated me to a wonderful dinner at one of my favorite Italian restaurants. My daughter who is six years old still needs to be reminded to use her utensils and not her fingers and to sit properly in her chair from time to time. In other words, she needs to be reminded to use her restaurant manners. So, upon leaving the restaurant after our meal, we couldn't help but beam with pride when a woman at a neighboring table complimented my daughter for her excellent table manners and her behavior in general. Then it happened. Totally out of left field the woman asked if we were my daughter’s parents… [more]

In most societies, it is assumed that girls will grow up and have babies. We, as girls are given dolls to play with, babysit, help with others' kids and are taught nurturing skills in preparation to become a Mom. Historically, women had children at a much younger age and had more children. As women entered the work force, the size of families steadily became smaller and women waited later to start their families. Awaiting - It is a word that describes a longing for something. And, with the decision to become a Mom, we are awaiting the moment that we know is coming; we will be pregnant and have a baby. It is natural. Awaiting, for the woman… [more]

When dealing with infertility the two people you want to be up front and honest with are your spouse and your doctor. Besides your religious faith, there is nothing that can help you get pregnant. Now let me confess another no-no, I lied to my doctor when we started our infertility process. It seems obvious, but I'm going to say this- do not lie to your doctor. Swallow your pride, check your shame at the door, and open up. I was scared to tell the doctor the truth. I know that a doctor is a medical professional who has dedicated their life to helping others, but I was afraid he'd judge me. It's stupid but I was afraid he'd go home and… [more]

I originally sat down to type out a blog post about abnormal symptoms after giving birth and how they can lead to secondary infertility. When I started doing some basic research (Google and Wikipedia) I was shocked to find nothing. I could find a lot of websites that discussed the post partum phase but none talked about when to be concerned, expect in regards to depression. Some websites had people who talked about how they experienced a certain side effect for a few weeks and then another person would discuss how they dealt with it for a few months. Which one was normal? Would the woman who had night sweats, excessive bleeding, or nipple engorgement for months end up later having… [more]

I'm not a negative person, or so I like to tell myself. Sadly, I am one of those people who tend to internalize everything and somehow find fault in most of what I do. This is one of the reasons infertility was such a struggle for me. Let me start by explaining a little about myself. I belong to a religious group that strongly believes in, and values, the family. (I obviously feel this way or I wouldn't have joined this church when I was 16.) I am what some would call a conservative feminist. By this I mean I believe that a woman has the right to choose for herself what to make of her life. For me, I choose to have children… [more]

In the world of infertility you often feel as though you should be "game" for anything - you know that you are going through all of this to have a child and you can sometimes be made to feel selfish or unenlightened if you have a desire to have a biological child. If you want to be pregnant, you often have this niggling thought in the back of your mind that pregnancy should not be a goal - a baby should - and that means that you are always cautious when you talk about conceiving. I always made sure I talked about wanting a baby instead of saying "I want to be pregnant" for fear that I would be judged as… [more]

I remember dates pretty well. Not necessarily years, but that month and day stick in my mind. Although I do remember the year that I graduated high school and the year I met Chris. I'm good at birthdays, except for my best friend Joe's which I can never remember if it is on the 10th or the 12th. But he forgives me on my off years. Thank goodness he really isn't a birthday kind of guy. Yesterday was my friend Jayme's birthday. I have known her birthday since I could remember dates. And it is a happy day to know that she was born into this world. And it will still be happy after yesterday, but I'll start to remember the date as… [more]

Yesterday, after my post, I kept thinking about lockets and how they have come into my life. And here is a biggie. My dad decided that he wanted to be cremated. His ashes were to be put into an urn while each one of us kids were able to have some ashes as well. The funeral home that we used had a selection of urns that we could order, or we could find our own. They also had a collection of jewelry urns that we could order as well. The jewelry urns are advertised as "lockets" and I believe that this was because the jewelry has an opening to put the ashes into. Two of my sisters decided to order from the company, and I really wish… [more]

Celebrity Depression, Spiritual Lessons by Therese J. Borchard I was finally reading the above article this morning after I have been saving it for about a week. It is about how blog author, Therese Borchard handles hearing about celebrity depression while handling depression herself. Here is what she had to say: When it comes to depression, I search everywhere for guides--people who can teach me how to live with it, or at least how to give it meaning. And when a celebrity--some Hollywood type or important politician--joins the crusade to end discrimination against the mentally ill, I take copious notes on how she has managed to stay both sane and successful. As I was reading this, I thought to myself that I do the same thing with infertility. It… [more]

My second book that I am going to jump ship on is titled, Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time written by Rob Sheffield. In typical Karianne form, I picked this up because of the title and of the cover. I was intrigued. Then when I saw that it was a memoir, it was another plus to pick it up. Mix tapes are from my recent past and I was wanting a stroll down some old tunes and to compare my early 90s experiences with his. I wanted to see which songs were picked for the tapes, if I agreed and I really wanted to see what their break up tapes were. Well, there are no break… [more]