Life Lessons

In the world of infertility you often feel as though you should be "game" for anything - you know that you are going through all of this to have a child and you can sometimes be made to feel selfish or unenlightened if you have a desire to have a biological child. If you want to be pregnant, you often have this niggling thought in the back of your mind that pregnancy should not be a goal - a baby should - and that means that you are always cautious when you talk about conceiving. I always made sure I talked about wanting a baby instead of saying "I want to be pregnant" for fear that I would be judged as… [more]

I don't have many strong recollections of much that happened during my IVF cycle, but my husband reminds me constantly of one particular aspect of the treatment that had me very worried. At my clinic they bring you in on the day of retrieval and get you settled and drugged all the while allowing your partner to be in the room holding your hand and offering comfort and support. That is all fine and dandy, but apparently I was very worried that they would forget about my husband's role in the conception and wouldn't call him back to produce his sample. Before the procedure I asked repeatedly if they needed him and then afterward while pretty incoherent continued to ask every… [more]

There is a dirty little secret that a lot of infertile people keep - sometimes we want someone else to blame. Unless you know from the outset that one or the other of you has reproductive issues, there always comes that time when you begin testing to determine whose "fault" it is that you are having trouble conceiving. More often than not both partners have issues - but sometimes the male or female in the relationship bares the brunt of the troubles and therefore takes the "blame" for the inability to have a child. Let me explain. When my husband and I first started to realize that we were facing fertility issues I knew that I was bringing a lot of… [more]

It seems to me that a certain phenomena exists among those struggling with fertility that involves a "competition" of sorts among those having trouble conceiving. Those who are "just" trying clomid or similar medications to induce ovulation don't know true suffering. If you are successful with IUI or injectibles you haven't really had to endure the hard stuff. If one IVF cycle works you can't imagine the pain of multiple failed cycles. If you use donor eggs or donor sperm you are in a club of your own and so on. Same thing goes for age - if you are 24 and proclaim that you have been trying for sooo long, it is really hard for someone… [more]

When you are struggling to conceive one of the things you long for the most is just to be normal. Nothing could make my jealousy peak more than when someone would tell of the fun and unique way they told their partner they were expecting. The innocence of a newly pregnant woman at only 8 weeks already planning her nursery and thinking about names would make me green with envy. The couple who talked about planning to have Johnny or Sally in the summer to coincide with vacation from teaching would literally make me want to scream. All of those reactions are very "normal" when you get pregnant easily, but when you stare at negative pregnancy tests month after… [more]

About four years ago my mother-in-law gave me a fertility doll that was supposed to give me good luck in efforts to conceive. Either I have unrealistic expectations on how fast that doll was supposed to work, or my particular fertility doll was faulty. Either way I don't think I can give credit to the doll for working four years later! The fertility "aid" got me thinking though, about the pressure from other people when we were having trouble conceiving, and my motivations behind so desperately wanting to have a baby. I sometimes had to take a step back and make sure that the main reason I wanted a child was for me and my husband, not to… [more]

While talking to a friend today I missed her obvious cues of discomfort and blindly just kept on blabbing away about the subject at hand. We were discussing her suspicion that she is facing infertility issues. She and her husband decided to start a family about a year ago and have had no success. She is getting tired of waiting and hoping each month and was discussing how she feels like she isn't doing anything to change her situation. So, as I asked her if she was tracking her ovulation, if she knew the physical signs of ovulation, etc., I was trying to help her think of ways to feel more like she is taking charge… [more]

This is not really advice or guidance, but rather reassurance that your thoughts and feelings are normal. When you are struggling to conceive, or when the only thing you can think about is having a child it often seems as if EVERYONE is pregnant. I was reminded of this recently when having dinner with friends. Out of the four of us, two were pregnant, I am in the midst of caring for two infants, and one of the girls was just about to embark on more extensive fertility treatments after a year of trying Clomid therapy, every diagnostic test imaginable, and a couple of IUI attempts. I made efforts to put myself in her shoes (where I… [more]

Unfortunately, I know many people who do not fully appreciate their children. I hear them complain about the things their children do wrong, and I wonder how often they have tender moments in which they fully grasp what a blessing that every child is. In our fast-paced society, children are sometimes seen as impediments rather than amazing blessings.

Soon after my son was born, a wise friend, who is a parent of two children, gave me some great advice. She said that every parent loves her child, but few cherish him or her. Make a point not only to love your child but also to cherish him. That is what parenthood is all about. I have held onto this advice and made a point to… [more]

When my husband and I first got together, I was a "yeah, sure" kind of person. I just wanted to be loved, and I wanted my husband to be happy, so I pretty much let him lead the way in our marriage. He made most of the decisions in our marriage, from what to eat to how to spend our time. He was no dictator: I simply rarely offered an opinion. I was happy to let him be in charge. All of this changed when it came to starting a family.

My husband always got a "deer in the headlights" look on his face whenever the topic of children came up. We agreed that we wanted to have children, and we also agreed that we… [more]