Emotions

I try to make it a rule that if I am going to whine or complain about something I should have an idea or opinion on how to make the situation better. In the case of infertility, and specifically when trying to advise on what should be said to someone facing fertility challenges, that is tough. I know what I don't want to hear or be asked, but for some reason I have a hard time summarizing what I do want to hear. I think being supportive and knowing the exact right thing to say in tough circumstances comes naturally to some and to others it can be really difficult to convey how much you care and truly want to… [more]

Anyone who has struggled with infertility has inevitably been given "advice" or opinions completely unsolicited and often shockingly rude. As my husband and I discussed some of the inappropriate comments we heard when we began to tell people that we were having trouble conceiving (something we started talking about in response to the unending questions about when we were going to have children), a top ten list, of sorts, emerged. Here are the top ten things NOT to say to someone enduring infertility - just the opinion of one (admittedly often cranky) woman! 1) Just relax, or just stop trying so hard and it will happen. Believe me, I heard this one enough times to "try"… [more]

While talking to a friend today I missed her obvious cues of discomfort and blindly just kept on blabbing away about the subject at hand. We were discussing her suspicion that she is facing infertility issues. She and her husband decided to start a family about a year ago and have had no success. She is getting tired of waiting and hoping each month and was discussing how she feels like she isn't doing anything to change her situation. So, as I asked her if she was tracking her ovulation, if she knew the physical signs of ovulation, etc., I was trying to help her think of ways to feel more like she is taking charge… [more]

This is not really advice or guidance, but rather reassurance that your thoughts and feelings are normal. When you are struggling to conceive, or when the only thing you can think about is having a child it often seems as if EVERYONE is pregnant. I was reminded of this recently when having dinner with friends. Out of the four of us, two were pregnant, I am in the midst of caring for two infants, and one of the girls was just about to embark on more extensive fertility treatments after a year of trying Clomid therapy, every diagnostic test imaginable, and a couple of IUI attempts. I made efforts to put myself in her shoes (where I… [more]

When I was going through fertility procedures, I struggled with hating my body. I already had issues of self-loathing to deal with from things that happened to me in my childhood. The last thing I needed was a "defective" body that was preventing me from being able to share a bond with a child.

It is normal to become angry with your body for failing to work the way it is supposed to. When all of the people around you get pregnant after trying to conceive for only a month or two, it is easy to wonder what is so wrong with your body that it cannot do what most people's bodies seem to do with ease. It can be easy to think very negative… [more]

Unfortunately, I know many people who do not fully appreciate their children. I hear them complain about the things their children do wrong, and I wonder how often they have tender moments in which they fully grasp what a blessing that every child is. In our fast-paced society, children are sometimes seen as impediments rather than amazing blessings.

Soon after my son was born, a wise friend, who is a parent of two children, gave me some great advice. She said that every parent loves her child, but few cherish him or her. Make a point not only to love your child but also to cherish him. That is what parenthood is all about. I have held onto this advice and made a point to… [more]

When my husband and I first got together, I was a "yeah, sure" kind of person. I just wanted to be loved, and I wanted my husband to be happy, so I pretty much let him lead the way in our marriage. He made most of the decisions in our marriage, from what to eat to how to spend our time. He was no dictator: I simply rarely offered an opinion. I was happy to let him be in charge. All of this changed when it came to starting a family.

My husband always got a "deer in the headlights" look on his face whenever the topic of children came up. We agreed that we wanted to have children, and we also agreed that we… [more]

One reason I write this blog is because I want infertile people to know that they are not alone. Many infertile people choose to keep their struggles to themselves, so they have nobody to talk with about their pain. Because people who continue to grow their families surround them, they can feel very alone. By writing this blog and sharing my own experiences, I can reassure you that you are not alone and that other people understand your pain.

When I was going through fertility treatments, I did not know many people who had been where I was. I felt very alone, as if I was the only person on earth who knew this pain. It would have meant so much to have somebody to… [more]

I know many people who say they need to learn how to become more patient. I always tell them not to pray for patience or they are going to wind up waiting a lot. After all, how can a person learn patience unless she is first forced to wait?

I got a crash course in patience as I tried to become pregnant month after month with no success. I never chose this for myself, and I do not recall ever praying for God to teach me patience. However, patience is something that I was forced to learn. It took me a long time to learn the lesson.

I am not saying that God inflicted me with infertility so that I could learn patience. Instead, I am… [more]

After I go through a painful time in my life, I like to reflect upon what I learned from the experience. This helps me to make lemonade out of life's lemons, and it helps me to stop viewing certain times in my life as "bad." As long as I am learning from my experiences, there is value in them, even those that really hurt like my infertility years.

One lesson I got out of my infertility years is the power of endurance. When each milestone rolled around, whether it was a birthday, Christmas, or Mother's Day, I would think to myself that I had to be a mother by this time next year or I would die. However, those milestones rolled around the next year… [more]