We were horrified by the information given to these women,” said Jacobs. “They were being told such appalling things, like miscarriage was extremely rare. They all felt blighted by God. We were telling them something different from their ob-gyns, and we were right. We said, quite the contrary, miscarriage is very common. Go back and ask your mom. Ask your husband’s mother. Ask your sisters. Ask the lady next door. At least one, if not all had had a miscarriage. p.42-43
I was fortunately raised by a very open and honest family. I grew up knowing about the sister that my mom and dad had before me that was stillborn. I had been told by my Nana, the story of going in to give birth to a son, only to wake up from the drugs to the news that her baby had died. My aunts were touched by losses as well, though one of their stories is still a bit of a mystery in the details.
With my first loss, I tell people that I was living in The Red Tent. Aunts, sisters and moms, friends filled my house and living room with love and food. Since Chris had to go back to work, a constant stream of female well wishers filled the house. We all laughed and cried and talked. The support was life affirming and priceless to me. When I remember the miscarriage experience in whole, this memory is so bittersweet.
One of my close girlfriends came by with a card. She was also pregnant at the time and we shared a common due date month. One of the most wonderful things that she said to me was, “I just don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.” It was perfect and touching and so wonderful to know that she still included me in her ongoing pregnancy. Although I was jealous, I was happy to have her pregnancy to remember mine by. She also miscarried a couple of weeks later, her first after 2 successful births. That loss was just as hard on me as my own.
We are all touched in some way by these losses and grieve for the babies that we won’t get a chance to take home from the hospital. Loss is all around.
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