Welcome back! In my last entry, it was March of 2002, and I had just suffered my first miscarriage, after a year and a half of trying to get pregnant. In early May, as we awaited the non-arrival of my period, I imagined a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend wherein we announced this pregnancy. I was 10 days late and had never been late before, except when I had been briefly pregnant. However, just to be sure, we were going to wait until Mother’s Day to take the test. On Friday before Mother’s Day, however, the worst weekend of our lives began. My husband’s beloved mother passed away. It was a weekend filled with pain and loss. To make things even worse, we found out that weekend that even if I had been pregnant, I was no longer, because the amount of physical pain, blood loss, and fainting that I went through that weekend made my earlier miscarriage seem mild in comparison. I never had it confirmed that it was a miscarriage; the loss of my mother-in-law that weekend and all the subsequent drama was enough to deal with. But, based on all things, I do believe that it was a pregnancy loss, and we mourned it as deeply as we did my beloved mother-in-law. It would be years before Mother’s Day could truly be a happy occasion again for me.
Our year went on, I was tested again to be certain that I did, in fact, still have adequate ovarian reserve. I did, so we kept trying. In December of that year, when I began ovulating, we went in on a Saturday for this IUI. It was a different doctor conducting that ultrasound that morning. She noticed something that no one else had; or, if they did, they never mentioned it. She noticed some scar tissue in my uterus from two procedures I had done in my 20s. Twice in my 20s I had Pap smears come back as positive for pre-cancerous cells. The first time, at age 24, I had a cervical cauterization done; the second time, at age 29, I had a LEEP procedure done. Both procedures, apparently, had left scar tissue significant enough to possibly be inhibiting the implantation of any fertilized eggs. This doctor recommended surgery to remove the scar tissue and (hopefully) improve my chances of getting (and staying) pregnant. So under the knife I went.
In January of 2003, I had surgery to remove some very old scar tissue in my uterus, in the hopes of improving my chances of pregnancy. Hope, prayer, and anticipation went with me into the operating room. Too bad they just could not have magically put a baby in there while they were at it. Two months after surgery, we were “back in the saddle” and trying again. I now had sub-cutaenous and intra-muscular injections of pergonal, as well as progesterone suppositories, all in the hopes of finally getting me pregnant. However, it seems like the harder we tried, the more we failed, because after my miscarriage of May, 2002, I never did again manage to be even so much as one day late for my period. The light was finally dawning that I was simply not meant to give birth.
Written by: Jamaica Hudnall