During our years of failures to conceive, my husband often reminded me that we had a wonderful life. He constantly asked me if I realized how lucky we are to enjoy each other’s company, be happy in our careers, our relationship, and with our accomplishments. I would tell him, that yes I was very happy and consequently that made it even worse that we were unable to have a child. Everything was so great, and we were so ready to build a family, but were just plain unable to do it on our own. I knew that we would love a child more than anything and that between us we had a lot of love to give. I knew that we had an exceptional life filled with joy and simple fun and wanted to share that with more than just each other. I knew that my husband would be an amazing father and it upset me horribly to think that he might never have the opportunity.
When I would have these thoughts I would naturally get depressed. My husband just could not understand this emotion. He was equally disappointed that we were having trouble and eventually came to want children as much as me. Nevertheless, he thought it was shameful that I allowed myself to dwell in depression and sadness. And boy, did I dwell. I felt hopeless, bitter, frustrated and definitely felt as though I had no control. This is the classic definition of depression. To have these feelings overwhelm you, and to let them affect your life so much – withdrawing from friends and family, feeling alone and miserable – is depression.
Depression is the fourth stage of the grieving process. It is typical for someone suffering a loss to go through this stage. When someone is grieving the depression stage is expected. When you are suffering with infertility, many deal with people like my husband, friends and family, who think you are being ungrateful or pitiful when you shouldn’t and who don’t understand that depression is normal. Just as in any situation, if you are feeling suicidal or completely overwhelmed with the state of your life please seek help. There is absolutely no shame in needing someone to talk to and seeking out the advice and listening ear of an expert is admirable.
For me, it took a heart to heart with my husband to get him to understand where I was coming from. I told him in every way I could think of how much I loved him and how happy I was but was also very honest in telling him how it felt to feel like I had a big hole in my life and heart that couldn’t be filled without a child. When I was open and honest with him about why I was reacting in a certain way to situations, or just how sad I was when I thought about a childless future he became more understanding and really seemed to finally get where I was coming from. Talking about my depression with him really helped and thankfully, this stage was pretty short because opening up to him and to other friends and family took some of the burden off of me and made the situation not quite as overwhelming. Men and women deal with fertility very differently. Mothers and daughters have completely different perspectives on having children. No two friends come to any situation exactly the same. That is why it is so helpful to talk about what we are going through with those who love us and want to understand. Maybe even suggest that you are grieving because of your infertility and that if a friend or family truly wants to help you they can take cues from how people deal with the death of a loved one and the stages that those people are going through to heal.
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