You start out hopeful and excited about starting a family. You can’t wait until it is your turn to start buying cute bibs, flower dresses, and diapers by the hundreds. Then the joy begins to be delayed. This is when you start to worry, become sad, or even angry. I rationalized with myself that the sad and frantic feelings would only be temporary and that in a few months time they’d be over. I only felt that way because I was convinced that I’d be pregnant in less than six months.
It seemed like I would go through stages of emotions during my infertility treatments. I’d be happy and hopeful that THIS was going to be THE month that I was going to get pregnant. Then I’d go to the doctor for my monthly treatment and I’d become worried or nervous. What if the medicine doesn’t work or what if the doctor finds something horribly wrong with my body? Then the “happy day” when you think you should be headed out to buy a pregnancy test but instead you are headed to the store to get some tampons.
When I would go to the store to buy my feminine products I would either be sad or I’d be angry. Sadly, most of the months I would become angry and not want to be around anyone, or do anything. Along with having nasty painful cramps reminding me day and night that I wasn’t pregnant yet I had to see happy people with their cute tiny babies. I felt that if I hid inside, having a pity party, then I could avoid seeing any pregnant person or any person under the age of three.
I know I must come off like a crazy person to most people who were around me a lot. I would be dying to hold their baby one week and the next week I’d cry if someone even mentioned a baby. Most of our friends started to become nervous when we’d come over because they never knew which Marie was coming to dinner. Was I going to be baby crazy Marie who would volunteer to change poop diapers? Or was I going to be bitter Marie who would glare every time the baby cooed and gurgled? I honestly expected our friends to stop calling us and inviting us to do things with them.
This past weekend I’ve been able to spend some time with my college roommate and we’ve talked a lot about our different infertility experiences. As much as I hate to see her in pain, wanting a child so bad she could scream, it is nice to have someone to commiserate with. I found out that she rides the emotional roller coaster just like me. She also can’t wait to jump off it either. So take comfort in the fact that even though you are grieving there are people out there who truly know exactly what you feel.
Photo credit- http://www.sxc.hu/photo/764423