This is not really advice or guidance, but rather reassurance that your thoughts and feelings are normal. When you are struggling to conceive, or when the only thing you can think about is having a child it often seems as if EVERYONE is pregnant. I was reminded of this recently when having dinner with friends. Out of the four of us, two were pregnant, I am in the midst of caring for two infants, and one of the girls was just about to embark on more extensive fertility treatments after a year of trying Clomid therapy, every diagnostic test imaginable, and a couple of IUI attempts. I made efforts to put myself in her shoes (where I had been only about a year ago) and realized that she is a much stronger person than me. I used to avoid situations just like that; I never wanted to be the only one not expecting or without a new baby, I was always conveniently busy on weekends of baby showers or even gatherings where babies would be present, and I desperately tried to hide the green-eyed monster that reared its head every time babies or pregnancy were mentioned.
My friend at the dinner sat there asking the “appropriate” questions. Are you going to find out/do you know the gender? How are you feeling? Have you started decorating the nursery? Do you have names picked out? Listening to her having polite conversation I was reminded of being in similar situations where I was completely unable to ask those type of questions, or if I am being honest even care to hear the answers. Similarly, I was talking to another friend who had difficulty conceiving, and like me finally had a baby in late 2008. She has just returned from visting a friend with a newborn and she said, “I know it probably sounds horrible but I am actually just so happy for her and not jealous like I was before when someone had a baby.” This statement really made me think. I don’t think it sounds horrible, I think it is honest and know that millions of women feel the same way and don’t talk about it – maybe we need to. Maybe if we admit that we are jealous and envious and ashamed of not being the friends we know we should be at all times then our pregnant friends will know and better understand why we feel the way do, and why we may not always be there for them like we want to be.
I guess there is a lesson after all! Admitting to myself and to my friends how bad it hurt to see that particular kind of happiness brings the realization that I was not alone in my thoughts back then, and it serves me well to continually remember that all is not right in the world of fertility for everyone today. Meaning that I need to be empathetic and compassionate, especially in situations like dinner the other night. Instead of letting the conversation become dominated by pregnancy and baby talk I need to try even harder to talk to my struggling friend about her next steps in fertility (since just a year ago that is what we all gathered to discuss), and anything but infertility like movies and books. I am going to try to be the good friend that I found it so hard to be when I was consumed by jealousy, and give her a complete pass if she doesn’t even want to come to our monthly dinners if she has just had another negative, or if she doesn’t want to plan the baby shower because it is just too hard. I know that I would have appreciated that kind of consideration. Take that even a step further and if you are personally struggling or dealing with issues of infertility go ahead and tell your friends how you feel and why it is so difficult, you may be surprised that they are just waiting to hear from you about what you need.
In times when it seems that every celebrity is having a baby, and every teenager “accidentally” conceives the very first time they have sex it is easy to feel like “everyone” is pregnant. Try to remember, though, that true friends will do anything to make things easier for you if you just ask. Sometimes, too, that person you are so jealous of has also endured years of infertility to finally have a baby, and they deserve every happiness. Maybe the best thing to remember, through it all, is that one day (somehow, some way) you WILL have your own family and when that time comes you will want all of the love and support that you can get then too!
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