There are a lot of ignorant people in the world. They do not mean to be ignorant and most likely do not even realize that they are, but their insensitive comments can really hurt. When you are already stressed out about trying to conceive as you undergo fertility treatments, the last thing you need to do is field insensitive comments.

I could not believe some of the insensitive comments and the annoying, unsolicited advice I received. Here is just a sample:

• Maybe God does not intend for you to become a mother.
• Relax.
• I can provide the sperm.
• Relax.
• Try having sex in the back seat of the car.
• Relax.
• At least you do not have cancer or something serious.
• Relax.
• Just be patient. It took me a whole three months to get pregnant myself.
• Relax.
• If you really understood what parenthood was like, you would not be so upset about your infertility.
• Relax.

And did I mention RELAX??????

What was particularly annoying was getting the advice to relax from people who were incredibly uptight but managed to crank out babies whenever they felt like it. Maybe I could have relaxed better if they would quit telling me to do so!!

Seriously, how can people really believe that a couple can go through years of fertility treatments, including hormones, inseminations, and surgeries, and conclude that the problem is just that they are not relaxing enough? One time I snapped and said that I would love to know how my relaxing would quadruple my husband's sperm count. (That person left me alone after that!)

I know that I am preaching to the choir here, but being told about 20,000 times to relax really bothered me. Since becoming a mother through adoption almost seven years ago, I have relaxed. And you know what? I still have never conceived a child.

And what about those other comments? Yes, I heard every single one of those comments firsthand, and I was told many of them multiple times. How in the world people thought those comments were comforting in any way continues to baffle me. I know that many people do not know what to say when faced with another person's grief, but do their brains leak out of their heads? (Maybe they just need to relax.)

So, how do you handle insensitive comments? For the most part, I learned to ignore them. I know that infertility is a medical condition, so I feel no need to explain or justify myself to anyone else.

Instead, I got a crash course in what not to say to other people when they are hurting. Instead, I say the things that helped me the most:

• I am sorry that you are going through this.
• I am here for you.
• Could you use a hug?
• Call me if you want to talk.
• Here is a card to let you know that I am thinking about you.
• You are in my prayers.
• Is there anything that I can do?

If you are enduring insensitive comments, know that you are not alone. I, and thousands of other fertility-challenged women, understand.

Related Topics:

• Fertility & the Dreaded Question: "Do You Have Children?"
• Unsolicited Comments About Your Family Planning

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney