This is a post from my friend Carrie. I was so touched by her words and asked if I could share it with you. She graciously said yes.
Today I mourn the loss of the life inside of me. The life that I only knew of for under 2 months. The life I’d learned to love more than my very self. Today I realize the finality of it all — I will never even feel the little one inside of me kick, let alone look into her eyes, kiss her tiny toes or see her first smile. I will never wipe away her tears, never give her advice, or ever even have her upset at me. I won’t get to hear her cry while she cuts teeth, or change the endless diapers. I will never even have the chance to make a mistake as a Mother. Today I mourn the loss of the pain that I will never feel, the pain that I once dreaded, the ones I would have felt when she would have entered this world, the ones I would have felt when I would have wanted to make her world perfect and been unable to, the ones I would have felt when she’d been wronged… Today I feel a loss, a pain bigger than any pain I’ve ever come close to feeling in my life thus far. Today there’s a hole in my heart I’m not sure will ever be filled. Today I pray for peace. That God will hold my heart that’s hurting so very much. Today I have another reason to go to heaven one day. Today I celebrate the life that was lived, the life that was lost, the life of my baby.
– a journal excerpt from May 5, 2002
Even though my heart has healed, there is still a place that only you can fill. My heart remembers you today, Noelle Eva, 5 years later. I hope that God will hold you extra close today and give you a kiss for me, and whispers in your ear that Mommy loves you… until I can.
Life Is Like A Mountain Railway
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