In/Fertile Friends? How to deal, sort of! ~Part One

October 16th, 2006
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f In/Fertile Friends?  How to deal, sort of! ~Part One

A few weeks ago I received a letter through the network, asking about a very awkward situation. This gal is such a sweetie. She and her best friend were both pregnant at the same time. Her friend has recently lost her pregnancy and now the still pregnant friend is wondering the best way to support her grieving friend. Wow! I am very humbled to see how thoughtful this woman is trying to be. A true friend. I will be posting parts of my response here this week, and also some other resources as well. I’m also opening up the lines for anyone who has been on either side of this situation, for what they found helpful.

Here is a portion of my response:

> For myself, when I went through my miscarriages, the main thing that was helpful to me, was very gentle, loving, honesty. A close friend of mine and I were also pregnant at the same time and while my pregnancy failed, hers thrived. I was so happy for her, yet extremely jealous as well. It was so hard for both of us. Very uncomfortable. But we made it through by recognizing and verbalizing the discomfort. We never had long, drawn out talks about what had happened with our relationship, but did make direct statements about our feelings. There was more distance between us during this time, but we knew that our relationship probably needed it.

> I did not go to her shower. I didn’t even give an excuse, but my sister was able to attend, bring my gift and make my apologies. Thankfully everyone understood and reacted with kindness towards my situation. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t be mature enough to attend and focus on her for
> an afternoon.
> Cards worked well too. She wrote down her sorrow for me. I wrote my joy for her. In awkward times it was nice to have these written words to fall back on.
> Try to remember her due date when it comes to honor it, maybe flowers or a card? The day that she gave birth was the hardest day for me. I stayed home and cried (bawled) for the majority of the day. I was scared for her and sad for me.
> After the baby was born, everything resolved. I love her to pieces and just fully experienced every little newborn/infant milestone along with her mom. In fact, during that stressful first week, I was able to go over and take care of the baby during a super hard day for my friend. It was so healing for all of us.

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Related posts:

  1. In/Fertile Friends ~ Part 2
  2. Types Of Toxic Friends 2
  3. Types of Toxic Friends
  4. Toxic Friends
  5. The NEED for Friends–The View from the Fertility Blog

5 Responses to “In/Fertile Friends? How to deal, sort of! ~Part One”

  1. KikemraN Says:

    This is a good topic. A friend of mine is pregnant and due the day before (or after, depending on which dating u/s you go by) our Rose would have been due had the pregnancy continued. She understood when I needed to take some time off, just after her announcement, and simply process everything. While I am happy for her… some things hit directly in my heart. So painfully. I’m quiet sometimes. But supportive at all times.

    And I just had a discussion with my BEST friend yesterday. She and her Husband have been trying for quite some time to get pregnant. My Husband and I are toying with TTC another child at the beginning of 2007. I asked her, point blank (as we’re best friends and can do that!) if she would be angry with me if we got pregnant first. She said, honestly, no. She’d probably feel a twinge but, as with anyone who has tried to conceive, problems or not, she said she feels those twinges when random people on the internet forums get pregnant and she’s not. Our friendship surpasses fertility… and for that, I am truly glad.

    But I still hope and pray that she gets pregnant first. I feel… guilty, I suppose.

    I don’t know. Good topic!!!

  2. Anonymous Says:

    I remember when I was trying desperatly to get pregnant what I could have used was some compassion.
    During the end of our infertility treatments(they never did find a reason) my sister in law became pregnant with her first. While I felt joy for them I also was just overwhelmed with my own loss. I did not expect to be hit so hard by it. I think I cried for 2 hours, it was the worst! I felt sad for me, guilty for feeling that way, you name it. I will never forget my Mother in law telling me how selfish I was being & that I had no right to be upset. Her words leave a cloud over our relationship to this day. How different things might have been if she had showed some compassion.
    I would share that if you have a friend going through a similar situation, be compassionate. Ask them what they need, some space, extra hugs, everyones needs differ. Just be open to hearing and do not take their personal grief as being about you or your pregnancy.

  3. Karianne Says:

    Thanks everyone for the input so far. This is a great topic!

  4. Anonymous Says:

    What a good topic, Karianne. I would be interested in reading more along these lines.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    In think when it comes to miscarriages the one thing that was really important to me was that people acknowledge that it happened. I don’t mean that I needed a card or a big deal made, but I think a phone call from my close friends would have been appropriate, especially for the late miscarriage I had. Some of my friends never even called…but I know these same people would’ve been the first to bring me a meal after the baby was born.

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