I was recently reading an interesting article about personality types: the happy-go-lucky types and the worriers. Apparently, worrying is thought to be hardwired into people. In caveman time, if you were a happy-go-lucky type and came up to a bush with yummy looking berries, you’d say, “What the heck?” and eat them. If you were the worrier, you’d probably bring them back to your cave, maybe see if the birds would eat them, you’d worry and worry before you would put them in your mouth.
Happy guy, unfortunately, is much more likely to some day run into a yummy looking berry bush that is horribly poisonous, while worrier is likelier to pass his/her genes onto the next worrisome generation.
This was the first article I ever read that made me feel, Hm, maybe my worrying does serve some evolutionary purpose. The rest of the time, I am thinking, Must relax! Must meditate! Stress is bad for me!
Thus I have been reading many of the posts on this blog with interest. in my own post about Unlocking the Heart of Adoption, I mention that it could be a cautionary tale to prospective adoptive parents–including myself. I am also grateful to the bloggers and commentators who write so honestly about the unexpected and painful issues they face–this unvarnished information is so important, especially when it’s the adoption agencies’ jobs to “push” the adoptions; I want some real feedback!
At the same time, I thought I should put out my own comment, inspired by Mo (the Korean adoption blogger) about how, yes, actually, there are some happy families out there. Not to say there aren’t loss issues, etc., but it can be a successful, loving enterprise.
In my research for my book, I met a lot of adoptees, mostly Korean adoptees. I met a lot of people who were bitter and unhappy about the experience, I met a lot of parents with young children who were scared to death their kids were going to grow up to be bitter unhappy adults.
But at that same conference where I saw Unlocking the Heart of Adoption, I have to remember that I also reconnected with good friends–some adoptive parents whose children I have had the privilege to be close to, had the privilege of watching them grow into beautiful adults. And I look at those families and think, gee, if my family situation could be one-tenth as successful, I’d think I did a good job.
And it’s not just adopted vs. non-adopted, but it’s the same combination of luck, situation, economics, love, biology that affects all families. I’ve seen plenty of lousy biological families, and I’ve seen great ones, too. In my worry-wart mind, I guess the old adage is true, “Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.”
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