I am a recovering control freak. I have been on the wagon for…I don’t know…maybe a week? I have always been the kind of person who wants to plan out my life. I live and die by my schedule. I want to know everything three months in advance.
So, you can just imagine how well I took my inability to conceive a child. We were supposed to get pregnant in August, or maybe September, and have a Spring baby. Simple enough. It was on my calendar. I WROTE IT DOWN!
No matter how desperately I tried to seize control over my fertility, this was one area of my life that I simply could not control. If it were possible to will your way into being pregnant, then I would have conceived twins within two months. Unfortunately for us control freaks, becoming pregnant is not something that we can control, no matter how hard we try.
I ultimately had to let go of trying to control my fertility because fighting it was futile. Mother Nature was in charge of this project, and there was nothing I could do to make things work out “my way.” Yes, I could undergo various fertility procedures and up the odds, but when it came down to it, life was in charge, not me.
Now that I am on the other side of my fertility woes and am now a parent, I see how my life has worked out so much better than I ever could have imagined. I am a mother to a fabulous child who is a perfect match for our family. I have a bunch of friends who I met because we have children the same age. And, last but not least, I have an enjoyable job for which I was only qualified by suffering through infertility in the first place. Sometimes life works out the way it is supposed to, even though it does not follow our plans.
Joseph Campbell has a great saying about this:
We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that’s waiting for us.
I had this fabulous life waiting for me all along, but it came at the cost of the life that I had planned for myself. I do not have a girl and a boy, two years apart, who are 10 and 8 and look like my husband and me. Instead, I have a six-year-old son I adore who has been spared the many “bad” genetics in our family lineage (including a family history of heart disease, cancer, and insanity – and, no, I am not talking about myself!). He does not look like me, but he is cute as a button and is going to break a lot of hearts one day.
So, maybe I don’t have to be in control of everything in my life. Sometimes things just work out the way they are supposed to when I have the courage to trust where my life is leading me.
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