It seems to me that a certain phenomena exists among those struggling with fertility that involves a “competition” of sorts among those having trouble conceiving. Those who are “just” trying clomid or similar medications to induce ovulation don’t know true suffering. If you are successful with IUI or injectibles you haven’t really had to endure the hard stuff. If one IVF cycle works you can’t imagine the pain of multiple failed cycles. If you use donor eggs or donor sperm you are in a club of your own and so on. Same thing goes for age – if you are 24 and proclaim that you have been trying for sooo long, it is really hard for someone who is 44 to believe that you have had that much time to endure the heartache of infertility. If you are trying to conceive with your fiance and you haven’t been in a childless marriage for years you are not on the same playing field.
The comparisons and “sizing up” truly can be endless. And whether it is admitted or not, it happens all the time. In “real” life the judging comes in the form of responses like “well, you are still young,” or a tale of someone else that person knows who has used all of their life savings to no avail. On message boards and forums it happens too – not as blatantly, but there is still subtle judgement obvious when someone’s signature says three failed IVF cycles, failed Frozen Embryo Transfers, etc. and they are “talking” to someone who is happily pregnant after two months of clomid and an IUI. That person who did not have to endure more invasive treatments will slowly get edged out of the conversation when discussion turns toward the emotional and physical struggles of whatever the happily pregnant person did not have to face.
I admit, that I have done it. I have read someone’s question on a forum and skipped answering after having read what they have been through for fear that I would come across as judgmental. When I friend talks to me about having trouble after only a couple of months I glibly reply to get their husband checked out after six months and don’t really dwell on it. That being said, I am going to make an effort to be more supportive and less competitive. We all are enduring a tough set of obstacles regardless of how long we have been going through fertility treatments or how many set-backs have occurred. We all know the pain of not having that child we so desperately want, whether it is our first or fourth, at the age of 25 or 41. The feelings of being barren, not able to fulfill your life’s goal, and not being able to build your family are not unique to only those who have suffered a certain amount of time or endured a multitude of treatments. The heartache and despair is prevalent in anyone who has looked at a negative pregnancy test and hoped and prayed that it was positive – and I am going to try to remember that.
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