When my husband and I were struggling with our fertility, we felt like we did not fit in anywhere. We were in our early thirties before we finally became parents, and most of my friends became parents in their mid-twenties. This meant that I stayed in a different stage of life than most of the people I knew, which made me feel like the “odd man out.”
Most of my friends followed the same pattern: They married in their early- to mid-twenties and then had babies a couple of years later. My husband and I were married for almost 9 years when we became parents, so we did not fit into any group for a very long time.
The only people we knew who were married as long without children were childless by choice. In the 1990’s, when we were enduring infertility, these couples were called DINKs (Dual Income, No Kids). I did not want to be a DINK. Articles were written about how DINKs were choosing not to have children and, instead, lead a very different lifestyle involving travel and acquiring nice stuff. That did not describe us at all.
So, my husband and I felt like we did not fit in anywhere. One set of friends talked about their children all the time, and the other set of friends talked about their travels. We knew nobody who was in our situation, and this made us feel very lonely. We eventually stopped hanging out with other couples because it was just too painful.
Fertility challenges are not the only life experiences that cause people to feel isolated. Pretty much any life experience that most other people do not endure causes people to feel isolated. I try to remember that today whenever a friend is going through a rough time, no matter what the experience might be. I might not be able to relate to the actual experience, but I can relate to the feeling of isolation and being “different.”
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