In my last post, I provided tips for surviving baby showers. Now let’s talk about how to survive meeting the baby when he arrives.
When I was trying to become a mother, I could not handle being around many pregnant women. However, two of the people I was closest to in the world (a friend and my sister) became pregnant during this time. I was not going to sever the relationships just because they were pregnant, especially since I needed their shoulders to lean on during this challenging time in my life. However, hanging around with pregnant women was very difficult.
The hardest part was meeting each one’s newborn baby. There was no way to avoid meeting my own nephew or my best friend’s first baby. I wanted to meet them, but I also dreaded my reaction.
My friend’s baby was born first. I drove to see her at the hospital, and it took all of my stamina to hold my emotions together. Her baby was beautiful, and my friend was radiant. I was okay until her husband tried to get me to hold the baby. That was where I had to draw the line. I simply could not hold that baby in my arms. Fortunately, my friend understood and told her husband to hand her the baby. I left soon after that, went to see a sad movie, and cried for the next couple of hours.
When my nephew was born, I had to hold him. He was my nephew, after all, and he was as close as I was going to come to holding a child of my own (at this point in my life, anyhow). My sister gave me the space I needed to hold him in privacy. As soon as I held him, I wept.
Both of these meetings were very, very hard, but they were also important. My family’s and friends’ lives continued to move forward regardless of my fertility. I had to find a way to push through my own pain so that I would not miss these special moments in their lives. However, I had to find a balance to comfort myself through these encounters.
If you have the opportunity to meet a newborn during your fertility procedures, decide which meetings are worth pushing through your pain and which are not. For those you really do want to meet, give yourself lots of time and space to grieve after the meeting.
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November 14th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
I just found this website tonight and so glad that I did. I thought I was being selfish for feeling like I do sometimes. A friend of mine recently had a baby, although I went to see her in the hospital…I had no desire to hold the baby…didn’t want to touch her. I love babies and I love my friend…sometimes it is just so hard for me. Reading these blogs make me feel like I am not alone…like so often I think that I am. Thanks for sharing!
November 15th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Your comment is the best compliment you could have given me. :0)
No, you are not alone. I have been there, too, as have thousands of other women. You will get through this painful time in your life with lots of self-care.
Take care,
- Faith
March 11th, 2009 at 5:41 am
I’ve just been reading this blog and several others you have written Faith. Thank you so much for taking the time to express all these things and make those of us suffering feel less ‘alien’. Like yourself and ‘misskgk’, I struggle with newborns and deliberately avoid them and will decline holding them, unless it is one of my nephews..I love my nephews so much that I couldn’t deny them my love in that way. I teach a kids group so don’t avoid kids altogether, and actually it really helps, as a morning with a bunch of noisy 5-11 year olds makes me very happy to go back to a nice quiet home with my husband and our pets and enjoy our solitude whilst we have it.