When you are about to embark on an IVF cycle there is quite a bit of paperwork that must be completed. We filled out most of the required forms pretty promptly but one of them, the consent for cryopreservation, gave us pause. The human embryo cryopreservation consent form forces some pretty intense decisions and for us instigated some deep discussions that we probably would not have had without the need to answer the questions.
The form asked a number of questions for which you were supposed to answer with one of three options. Option one said that the cryopreserved embryos would be made available to the other partner for control or decisions about the use. Option two allowed for the donation of the embryos to another couple on an anonymous basis. Option three called for all embryos to be discarded without further development or examination. We were forced to choose an option in the event of the death, disability, or legal incapacity of the patient (me), the partner (my husband), or both of us, in the event of divorce or legal separation, and if I turned 50 before we decided to use them.
These were questions that we had never really thought about before. We knew that we were hoping for frozen embryos to be able to try more affordably for a sibling but we had never considered what we would do with those embryos if something tragic happened that changed our plans. When we really began to discuss it the answers were surprising but we agreed. In the event of the death of one of us we wanted the other partner to have options and be able to have children that were “ours” if possible. If both of us died we agreed on our plan of action but the divorce issue kind of divided us. I logically felt as though neither of us should have a right to the embryos in the event of divorce but emotionally I couldn’t help thinking that if we did separate we would be even older than we were at the time and that chances of natural conception would be even more slim that they already were. I did not want to ruin all chances of having a (hopefully second) child just because my marriage didn’t work. Maybe even more I wanted the option to possible have another child even if the marriage failed.
Eventually we did decide that the embryos were a shared creation and that neither of us would have the “right” to them should we get divorced. Once we came to this decision I actually kind of appreciated having to complete the form and the discussion that it prompted. It was reassuring that neither me or my husband really thought that it (divorce) would ever be an issue and it bolstered relationship confidence that we were able to tackle such a deep issue and come to a resolution that we were both comfortable with. It truly is the kind of conversation that should probably happen before every couple has children – not, obviously, about what you would do with frozen embryos but rather in the event that something happens to one or both of you or if you get divorced or incapacitated what would the plan be for the children. I will admit, though, that as enlightening as the completion of the forms was and the deep discussion that came from it – I was humiliated having to get the form notarized by my local bank teller who until she had to sign the form had no clue (and no reason to know) that we were pursuing fertility treatments.
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