Infertility: Letting Go of the Dream

July 31st, 2007
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Sunset  (c) Lynda Bernhardt

Adopting a second child was taking a long time, so my husband and I decided to pursue fertility treatments again. The endometriosis had grown back, so I needed another laparoscopy to remove it. This time, the endometriosis was so bad that my left ovary was “stuck” to the back of my cervix.

My body had a harder time recovering from the surgery this time. I spent several hours vomiting from the anesthesia, which felt even worse because of the pressure on my incision in the belly button. The hormones and intrauterine inseminations (IUIs) were awful, and things were even worse because this time around, I had to work out childcare for a toddler each time I went for an appointment.

I gave up the fertility treatments after a few months because I did not want to waste this with my child. The hormones made me irritable, so I had very little patience around my family. I had waited so many years to be this child’s mother; I was not willing to lose this time of his life while I chased a dream that was never going to happen.

We stopped the fertility treatments. Then, later that year, we withdrew our names from consideration to adopt again. I realized that I was happy with my life just the way it was. I loved my son deeply; I did not have to add another child to meet that need in my life.

My husband had a hard time understanding this, but it actually felt good to choose not to add a child to our family. After so many years of reproductive decisions being made for me, this was one decision that I could make for myself. I had the power to say “no more.” It felt good to take that power back.

Today I am the proud mother of a six-year-old boy who joined our family through adoption. I have no regrets about our family. Yes, there are times – infrequent as they are – that I regret not having a daughter as well, and there are times that I wish my son had a live-in playmate. However, I know that we have the option of adopting an older child at any point if I feel the need to grow our family again.

Right now, I love our family just the way it is. My son is the light of my life. Most of my closest friends came into my life because we have children who are the same age.

Many of the best things about my life came about because my life unfolded the way that it did. As painful as my journey to parenthood was, I would not change a thing. Every step brought me to today, and I love my life just the way it is.

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  2. Letting Go I
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  4. Supporting Those with Secondary Infertility
  5. Pregnancy After Infertility

2 Responses to “Infertility: Letting Go of the Dream”

  1. sarah16 Says:

    I understand your decision. Our miracle daughter was born 4 years ago. We are trying for our second but will stop after three rounds of IUI(we are currently in our 2WW of our first IUI). My husband is totally against IVF which I am learning to accept, he has good reasons not to go through with it. I am still hopeful about my IUI but if it doesn’t work, I’m learning to be accepting and to be happy with my three person family.

  2. Faith Says:

    Thank you for your comment.

    I am glad that you have set a limit on how many cycles you will attempt before calling it quits. I had a hard time doing that myself. Here’s hoping that one of the IUI’s does the trick. :0)

    I also know families who tried to conceive again, stopped fertility treatments, and then wound up getting pregnant later. So, you never know what the future might hold. At this point in my life (as I see 40 approaching in the not-too-distant future), I am reaching a place where I am no longer hoping for a surprise pregnancy. :0)

    Take care,

    - Faith

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