Today in my inbox, I had an offer to “Remember My Loved One With a Memorial Locket”. I didn’t click on it, but it reminded me of something.
After I lost our first pregnancy, I wanted to somehow have something to memorialize and tangible for me to hold on to. I really wanted a locket. But what would I put in it? I had thought about taking a photo of the positive pregnancy test and putting it in one of the slots, with a printed due date or loss date on the other. And then I thought about leaving it empty, but that just felt way too empty. Just like the emptiness that I had inside. I wanted to FILL something. Since something had been scraped away from inside of me, I needed a representative fullness that my body lacked.
I ended up filling up a small photo box that I had already had at home. I didn’t purchase anything new because I didn’t want to leave the house. When we had told people about the pregnancy, we took photo reactions of their faces to keep for the baby. I had those in a little album. Along with the first little outfits that we had bought him and my hospital bracelets.
I have gotten the box out only once since that time. And that was to remove the outfit so that Ivy could wear it. But that wasn’t until she was born and home and safe in my mind. Not one minute before. It is buried in a forgotten place among miscellaneous stuff in the garage. Knowing that it is there is comforting. It will be there for when I need to go to it in the future.
Chris bought me an engraved locket for my first Mother’s Day with Ivy. With a picture of her on one side and a picture of him on the other. But I don’t ever wear it. Just the whole locket image reminds me of the locket that I wanted back then.
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