From the list of Grief Issues I posted yesterday, I’m going to explore the loss of innocence for future pregnancies.
I didn’t understand that this issue would be a problem for me until I got pregnant again and again after my first miscarriage. The starry-eyed wonder and excitement from first finding out that I was pregnant was first replaced with hope, and then in the last pregnancy, extreme fear. The first time that I became pregnant, I couldn’t wait to take the pregnancy test. I told myself that I was going to wait until my period was just a few days late. Well, that didn’t work out. I got myself into such a frenzy one morning that I drove to the drugstore and came home with the only mission on my mind, to find out if I was pregnant or not. I smiled at the cashier when I bought the test. I was shaking while I waited and paced for the results. Yes!! The rest of the day was spent running around getting a baby gift together for Chris to surprise him when he came home. And film!! I took photos of everyone’s faces when I told them that I was pregnant to capture the surprise.
The scenario after the miscarriages was quite different.
I was lying in bed crying, telling Chris that we weren’t ever going to have kids. I was about to give up trying. He then tells me that he thinks I should take a pregnancy test. He goes to the store to get it. I start getting ready to go to a basketball game. We were both in the bathroom while I took the test and it immediately showed positive. Then I really got hysterical. Sat on the tub and sobbed. I was terrified, and then totally removed. I think that my self-protection kicked in. I never felt excited. I wouldn’t let my midwife tell me the due date until after 7 MONTHS!! I didn’t buy anything for Ivy until the week before she was due. As I look back, it is so sad. But, it is how it is.
One of my friends told me that in my mind a pregnancy represented more surgeries and pain and sorrow, it did not represent joy and having a baby. This is so true. I wonder now what my reaction would be to a pregnancy at this time in my life. I just know that it can’t ever be the same as the first.
Related posts:
