Men and women really are different in their styles of communication. Nothing highlights that more than when a couple is facing infertility. All I want to do in moments of crisis or emotional havoc is hash it out with my husband. I want to discuss all of the pros and cons, find solutions and make a plan. On the otherhand, it seems that all he wants to do is find every way possible to avoid the elephant in the room. My husband is the master at avoiding difficult discussions, which was very obvious as more and more decisions had to be made in our journey to be parents.
I think what drove me most insane with our different approaches to our fertility struggles was that it seemed to me that my husband did not want children as badly as me. I was constantly thinking about our failed efforts and what it could mean for our future and the different dynamic of our family. My husband, on the otherhand, when pressed would say things like “I didn’t marry you to have children, I married you because I want to be with you.” Or, “we should enjoy this time to travel and be a couple.” And even, “just think we wouldn’t be sleeping late or staying at this spur of the moment hotel if we had kids.” Most of these statements now are either touching, telling, or let’s face it true, but at the time I was appalled that he would even think that those things were any consolation whatsoever. I just could not understand how he could even see a “bright side” to our personal fertility tragedy.
I still think it is unbelievably frustrating that we were never really on the same page in our thoughts, concerns and fears regarding infertility. However, I do have to concede that I honestly don’t believe it is a result of communication conflicts between my husband and I. Rather, I think it is more the fault of inherent communication conflicts between men and women. And this is the crux of how I was able to “get over” my fears that my husband’s “not talking” approach to the situation should be interpreted as apathy or a lack of desire equal to mine to have a child. Monthly, I was reminded by the start of my period, or a negative pregnancy test that I was not pregnant. He, on the otherhand, did not know exactly when that news was confirmed each month and thus only saw me in hysterical mode and could not even begin to think that I was rational about the whole situation. I was surrounded (and overwhelmed) by images of happy mothers, pregnant friends, and talk of parenting philosophies. He was sitting at a football game rather than a baby shower and was encouraged by his friends to talk about anything other than children or infertility whereas I was often asked to share intimate details of our efforts to conceive, sometimes with complete strangers! Men and women have different communication methods and infertility can certainly bring those to light, but I can honestly say now that I think a different perspective, the relief from the constant worry and stress that my husband offered, and my husband’s lighthearted change of topic once in a while truly did help me make it through.
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