Each year, for 11 years, I have gone an annual girls’ trip to the beach with up to 10 (some years there are a couple that can’t make it but we typically have 7 or 8 every time) college friends. Through the years our conversations have changed as together we have made it through the first years after college and trying to establish ourselves in our chosen careers; to getting married and navigating our way through the newlywed years with the help of friends and experience; to celebrating first, second, and even third children for some. This year there were two absent – one was nursing her third child and since we make this an absolutely no children, no husbands trip she couldn’t make it and the other couldn’t make it because of obligations with her family.
Of the ten of us, all but two have children – including the two that weren’t there. One of the girls is unmarried and is unsure if she wants children. The other began diligently trying to conceive a couple of years ago after about 7 years of marriage throughout which no pregnancies occurred, even with a pretty prominent lack of any kind of regular birth control. I was really open about our fertility struggles whereas she took a completely different approach and talked to me quite a bit about their situation, but wasn’t really forthcoming with the group. Everyone knew though that she wanted children and had intended to have them and so when one of our lengthy conversations turned to the children, or lack thereof many of the girls would ask her if she also planned to try IVF like me.
This was the first year that I could finally join the pregnancy and parenting conversations and in doing so I tried to be sensitive to her and to empathize with her feelings since I had definitely been in her shoes every other year. Since many of us have young children many of the conversations turned to pregnancy and first year parenting and my friend who is having trouble conceiving did way better than I did in years past as she easily participated in the discussions. She didn’t seem to really be bothered by feelings of despair or upset that she did not have firsthand experience with either pregnancy or parenting. So, when she was asked point blank why she was delaying moving on to IVF (as her RE and ob/gyn suggested due to both male and female issues) I almost truly believed her statement that she was ok if they never had children and that she was fine if she just got to enjoy her husband and the life they built together. Perfectly admirable and understandable if it is true, but it just didn’t seem plausible for my friend who not only would definitely be an amazing mother but had also always wanted to be one.
When we got a moment to ourselves it all became a lot clearer – she admitted that she didn’t think she could handle the devastation if it didn’t work and she just couldn’t bear to go through it only to learn that they really, truly might be childless. I tried my best to be the ear that she needed more so than the words that she wanted to hear because I truly think only she knows what she can and cannot handle and what she is and is not willing to endure. That being said, I encouraged her to give it a shot if she thinks that at any point she will ever regret not trying to conceive through IVF. She said that her husband really wanted to at least try one cycle, and that he was willing to pursue other avenues if they would try IVF first. Ultimately, I don’t know what they will do but I do know that I did the best I could at walking the fine line between giving advice and encouragement while also letting someone be realistic and truly make their own decisions based on what they know about themselves and their relationships. I obviously think it is worth it to give it a shot if it is financially, physically and emotionally feasible and I wouldn’t change the decision I made for anything in the world. I honestly do hope that they decide to pursue an IVF cycle, but it was reiterated to me through those conversations that nobody can make the decision for you when dealing with fertility. Only you can know what you can and can’t handle and what the best option is for you and your partner.
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