One week ago today I was anxiously dreading a telephone call. Our young son was being escorted from Ethiopia to the United States. He was scheduled to arrive in Washington at 958 p.m. Since the day before, I was on pins and needles every time the phone rang. I thought for sure that there was going to be a call at anytime saying that he had missed a connection, or that a flight had been delayed. In my mind there was no way that he could travel so far and still be on time. I refused to let myself believe that I would actually be holding him in just 8 short hours.
I called the agency to see if they had heard anything. They said, “No news is good news”. And told me to meet the plane as planned. I still wouldn’t let myself feel any excitement or even think that he would soon be home. It just wasn’t possible for us to have a child without having problems as well.
Our son came to us after miscarriages, surgeries, recoveries, pregnancy, surgery, the birth of our daughter and recovery again. He came after post partum depression and breast feeding. After my dad passed away in February at 54 years old from violent, quick, unrelenting cancer. There was no way that I could look forward to his arrival without feeling all the pain of the past first. All of those sadnesses have burrowed into me and still play their games with my head.
Why couldn’t I trust? I kept asking myself why was I letting the past take control of today? I thought that I had dealt with my issues in counseling and had moved on to, or back to, my optimistic self. Would this adoption turn out to be another lesson in disappointment and loss of control? Would that phone ring and tell me that there was something wrong with the paperwork, that he wasn’t my baby after all?
Do you feel anxious?
I’ll keep you posted.
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May 15th, 2006 at 7:49 pm
Keeping my fingers crossed for you! I hope all works well
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