My son had a program at his school. All of the children were cute, and I was enjoying myself until I saw my "dream child" walk onto the stage. This little girl looks exactly like I imagined hub's and my daughter would look. Her hair is the same color as mine, and the shape of her face looks very much like mine, too. Even though I have been a mother for almost seven years through adoption and have no desire to parent a second child, seeing my dream child hurt.

I have a friend whose daughter also reminds me of what my daughter might have been like. Sometimes watching her can hit that soft place inside of my heart, too, triggering grief for the child who never was.

I remember all too well how much more sharply the pain hit when I was trying to conceive and then waiting to adopt. There was a precious little girl in our church who reminded me of my dream child. Every time the children performed a song during the church service, I had to choke back the tears.

In some ways, I think this is why God/life brought me a boy instead of a girl. I never fantasized about what my son would look like, so there are no comparisons. My son is just my son. He is a blessing exactly as he is.

I would like to believe that the same would have been true if I had adopted a daughter, and perhaps it would have been. However, I admit that I fantasized about what my little girl would have looked like for many years, and I still have that image in my head. Her loss is just one of many losses that I have had to grieve as the result of my infertility.

The real kicker about this little girl at my son's school is that she even has the same name that I wanted for my daughter. How big of a coincidence is that? But, alas, it was not meant to be.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt