Yesterday marked the official end of my maternity leave with Becken. I took off 5.5 weeks and I was ready to go back. Of course, my job is extremely flexible and pays very well. So going back to work for me really isn't going back to "work". I am one of those annoying people who say that they would still work even if they won the lottery. In my case, this is the absolute truth. I can't stay away. For the summer, my schedule will be Wednesday and Friday mornings every other week with some Saturdays thrown in here and there.

At one point in my life, I did not want to return to work. After my miscarriages and my D&Cs, I fantasized about never going back. The sense of disappointment over took my life. Having to face my clients, knowing how disappointed we all were to not be having a baby overtook my mind. I was ashamed of myself, ashamed of my body and ashamed of my perceived failure to bring happiness into the world. I felt like the bearer of lost expectations. I couldn't face anyone. Not my beloved clients, not my family and certainly not myself. I just wanted to hide away in my shame. Looking back, it is amazing how your mind can skew a situation.

I was able to take quite a bit of time off to recover. And little by little I did. I started to miss the life and the career that I had worked so hard to make my own. And as I braved to tell the truth, even through tears, the truth telling was healing. There was no blame, no judgement. Only kindness and similar stories. During that time, I received therapy as much as I gave it. And I appreciated the love in my life even more.