Women who have never been able to conceive a baby or carry a baby to term have what is known as primary infertility. Women who have had one or more successful pregnancies but are later unable to conceive or carry a baby to term have secondary infertility. Both women suffer an enormous amount of pain, but, in some circles, women who struggle with secondary infertility are left out in the cold.

I wrote a post about Secondary Infertility in mid-August, and a reader left this comment:

I just want to thank you for writing this. I have been "outcasted" from a popular fertility forum because I felt that I belonged with the others on there. But since I have a child from a previous marriage, they can't see the pain we have because my husband suffers from severe male factor infertility. I was called "fertile" and told to enjoy the child I have. A huge bravo and thanks again.

This should never happen, and I hope that all of you with primary infertility will find it within yourselves to show compassion to anyone struggling with infertility, not only those with situations just like yours. If you are not in a place where you can do this, then I hope you can at least refrain from causing these people harm. They are suffering enough.

I compare this with getting into an argument over who suffers more by losing a leg. Let's say that I have lost one leg. It is obviously going to make my life difficult. If I meet someone who has lost two legs, that does not make my life any easier. Yes, I can see that the person who lost two legs has additional suffering, but it does not, in any way, make me grow my leg back.

When I was struggling to become a parent, all I could see was the differences: "You are a mother on Mother's Day while I am not." However, after becoming a mother through adoption and struggling with a desire for a second child, I learned just how painful that felt, too. I also know many adoptive mothers, many of whom have primary infertility, who have endured an enormous amount of pain as they waited to add another child to their families. When your family is not complete, whether by adding child #1 or child #5, you feel pain.

I am not saying that there aren't differences: There definitely are. However, there are enough similarities that we should be able to reach out and embrace one another rather than ostracize those whose situations are different from our own. Should we kick out those who have more money because they can afford more treatments? Should we kick out those who choose to adopt because they are choosing another route? The pain of losing control over being able to add a child to your family is extremely painful, no matter what the circumstances. Rather than add more pain to one another's journeys, let's try to find more compassion. There is enough pain to go around.

Related Topics:

• Secondary Fertility/Infertility
• Secondary Infertility and Age
• Adopting After Secondary Infertility

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