As badly as I wanted a baby, fertility procedures had taken over our lives vigorously for the past six months, and I needed a break – badly. I insisted upon taking a break from fertility procedures as the holidays rolled around again. I could not bear another disappointment right at Christmas.
My husband was baffled by my need for a break. By this point, he was determined to “get this monkey off of his back.” He was determined to try repeatedly until we achieved our goal of conceiving.
The problem was that it was not his body that was being manipulated repeatedly. He was not the one experiencing migraines and hot flashes (although I am sure that he would tell you that he lived with his own headaches by living with me during this time!). His involvement might not have been particularly pleasurable, but it was not painful, unlike all of the procedures that I was enduring. He disagreed with my decision, but he respected it.
We only took one month off from the fertility procedures, but I really needed it. It felt good to have no expectation of getting pregnant and, therefore, not feeling the enormous letdown when Mother Nature confirmed that I was still not pregnant. It felt good to make love when we wanted and to have the option of not making love if we were not in the mood.
It felt good to gain some control over my life again. I was tired of having so little control over my life and my body. Our quest to become pregnant had become a beast that was ruling our lives. I needed a few weeks out of the shadow of that beast.
I needed to reconnect with the person I was without the influence of hormones. I did not like the person I had become – obsessed with the calendar and with a body that refused to comply with my wishes, no matter how hard I tried to force it to do otherwise. I needed a break, and I took it.
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