When I was going through fertility treatments, I felt like I was riding an emotional roller coaster. My emotions went up and down several times a month. I sometimes feared that I was losing my mind.
It was so hard not to get my hopes up after each intrauterine insemination (IUI), even after having so many fail before. After all, it could happen this time, and I was so ready to know that a baby was on the way.
There were times that I would even catch myself talking to my “unborn baby.” I would tell him that I loved him and that I could not wait to meet him. Then, when Aunt Flo (AF) would pay her inevitable visit, I would feel like a complete idiot for talking to an empty womb.
The monthly ups and downs were emotionally grueling for me, doubly so when I was taking hormones throughout the month. Sometimes I would feel hopeful that this would be the month I became pregnant. Other times, I would cry oceans of tears because I wanted to be a mother so badly.
There were times when I felt angry, especially when I would hear about a newborn baby being disposed of in a dumpster. I would rail at God, so angry that I was denied the right to be a mother while some woman disposed of her precious baby in such a despicable manner.
And then there were times where I felt utter despair. Those were the worst because I could barely find the energy to go about my life. If I could not be a mother, then I did not see the point in continuing on with my life.
All of these feelings are normal, so if you can relate to this, you are not alone. Many women all over the world know these feelings, too. Even the Bible talks about the “barren womb” being one of four things that are never satisfied (the other three being fire, the ground with receiving water, and the grave). That was written thousands of years ago, long before we had fertility treatments like we do today. If you feel a yearning inside of yourself that is so deep that you wonder how it is even survivable, you are not alone.
My best advice is to process and honor all of these emotions as you have them. Cry all of the tears you need to cry. Grieve the loss of your ability to make a family in the way that you had hoped. Infertility is a loss that needs to be grieved. That is the only way to get through the intense emotions.
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