Through stirrup-queens and sperm palace jesters I found the following link for
"I Probably Shouldn't Be Writing This" from Thalia's blog.

This post is in the Creme de la Creme of The Best from the Infertility and Pregnancy Loss blogs 2006. Thalia writes about the "what ifs" from all of her fertility treatments and unprotected sex. What if each one would have taken hold? She talks about how old each child would be and what they would be doing at this time. It is eye opening to say the least, and got me thinking about some what ifs that are in my life.

If our first pregnancy had held before Ivy, we would now have a 4 year old. If our second pregnancy would held, we would have had a 4.5 year old. By my calculations, but I could be off as well. If we would have gotten pregnant when we first started trying, we would have had a 5 year old. Wow. A 5 year old. Having a 3 year old and a 1 year old in the house, it is hard for me to imagine an older child in the house.

Knowing that it is statistically impossible to have given birth to Ivy if any of the pregnancies had succeeded, could I trade her? Of course not. But thinking back to the devastation of loss, would I be willing to go through it again if I could go back in time?

Would we still have Becken? What if our application had been one week earlier or later. What if my name would have been one telephone number after on our agencies list? Who would now be my son? For some reason, this one creeps me out the most. In all of the split second decisions in the world and all of the long thought of decisions in the world, I have the most amazing baby now.

Lastly, in my world of "what ifs" would I have a writing job at this point in my life without the miscarriages and infertility? Enjoying this as much as I do, I count it as one of the unknown blessings of my earlier trials.

And now my mind is going off on tangents that I haven't thought of in awhile or ever. I'm going to think now...