It’s been 3,650 days, 120 months, and 10 years from the day that I found out that we suffered with infertility. You tend to think to yourself that if you just give it time and relax that it will happen. You will just wake up one day nauseated and pee on a stick and you’re pregnant; that is how it will begin. Every month that goes by you think to yourself, this is my month I know this is my month, but sadly it is not. That’s the day and life of infertility. There are ups and down, mainly more downs, but you keep moving and you keep trying to be positive. We have since moved on to adoption and have adopted an older child from foster care. She has a special place in our hearts but there is still a void from infertility that unfortunately she can not fill.
I knew that by adopting we wouldn’t magically feel complete and therefore I did not adopt my child to fill that void of infertility. Rather I adopted a child from foster care to help, because they need a family along with love and I have love to give. When I look at my daughter I think how could anyone give up their precious child? I would give anything to have been there with my daughter through those six years in foster care. I am satisfied with that part of my life, however, I thought with time I would feel differently about being infertile. Still, it feels the same, it hurts.
While my daughter was battling move to move, place to place, family to family I was battling infertility. I know that at that time I would not have been able to give her the love and care that she needs. Nowadays I can, but I do still have my moments like today where it feels surreal. Year one and two of infertility were the years that we thought it will happen when we least expect it. Year three through five was consumed with doctor’s appointments and saving up money for treatment. Year six was supposed to be the year; we had all the money saved up and all we needed to do was to go in there, get the treatments, and hope for the best. But that was also the same year we were told we should consider other choices. Year seven through eight was the reassessment and rest period; we needed a break and we needed it bad. Year nine to now we have adopted and are doing much better with our situation, but we still grieve at times.
We are learning that we must give ourselves time to reflect, to mope, to cry, to be sad, and then move on. One of my favorite things to do is to take a moment to myself and watch movies I want to watch, eat food I want to eat, and nap. I do this because while you’re suffering with infertility life does not stop. You still have to put on a brave face and go to work, you have to be a great wife, and in my case be a mom too. I take a whole day to myself because I deserve it. So while it has been 3,650 days, 120 months, and 10 years from the day that I found out that we suffered with infertility, I am stronger today than I ever was.