When I was younger I had a pretty detailed picture of my life in my mind. Needless to say, almost nothing looks the same as I imagined it would when I was fifteen. I envisioned getting married relatively young, having children before I was thirty (at least two), and becoming a top-notch attorney living in a well-appointed house on the beach. Well, I got one right – I was 24 when I married. I am not, however, a lawyer or even remotely involved in the industry and I live 7+ hours from the closest beach. Despite my best efforts, I also did not have children until well after my 31st birthday.
I am incredibly blessed to be married to the love of my life who has turned out to be an even better father than I could have imagined. If that, too, had not gone according to plan though, I know that I still would have wanted children to call my own. If I had found myself single at the height of my baby yearnings I know that I would have been incredibly grateful for the advancements in reproductive technology. I don’t know if I would have been brave enough to do it, but I do know that the option of trying to conceive as a single woman would have been appealing.
Many women who are undergoing fertility treatments are doing so without a partner or spouse. For a myriad of reasons, these women are tired of watching their biological clocks ticking and have decided to take matters into their own hands. Single women trying to conceive do so because it is the best decision in light of their personal circumstances. Some are women who have yet to find Mr. Right and are tired of waiting. Others are those who have decided that although marriage isn’t for them having a baby is. And still more are women who spent younger years on career or hobbies and are determined to have a child before their fertility falters – and want a child whether they have a husband or not.
Woman like this are visiting fertility clinics across the country and undergoing IUI, IVF and other procedures in an effort to have a child. Some know the sperm donor, some don’t. Some are using their own eggs, and others are relying on embryo donations. The common ground, though, is that all of these women have decided that they don’t need a man in their life to provide a loving and caring home for the baby they so desperately want. I truly commend the women who decide that they want and deserve to be a mother and do what it takes to make that happen.
There are many, many single mothers out there, but a woman who conceives a child through fertility treatments without a husband or partner is becoming a single parent by choice. To me, that is not only admirable but also a little frightening. I can’t imagine having done all of it on my own – financially when we were trying to conceive, emotionally through the ups and downs of failure and success, and physically while I was pregnant and then afterward when I was literally dragging myself around in a lack of sleep fog for the first few months. I do think that the majority of woman who are single and undergoing fertility treatments are in a place where they know they can care for their child on their own. They have a home, a financially sustaining career, and hopefully a support system of people who are behind them in their decision and there for them when needed. My only caution to a woman considering conceiving as a single woman is to make sure that she really knows what it is going to be like. If a baby does come into your life it will be wonderful and amazing. But, there is also nobody there to share those middle of the night wakings or to watch the baby while you take a shower. You don’t have someone to help you be the disciplinarian or talk about gender issues if you have a boy. That is not to say that it should not be done – just that if you do decide to go it alone try to prepare as best as possible. Talk to friends and family and really figure out how much they are willing to help. Seek out message boards and support groups of other single women who are in your shoes. And, if you are friend or family member of someone who wants a baby and is single then try to be there for whatever she needs. I hope as a friend to someone trying to conceive while single, you will attempt to understand that it is possible to be a wonderful single mom and that your friend deserves the happiness a baby brings just as much as someone who is with a partner.
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