To tell or not to tell, that is often the question when it comes to infertility struggles and treatment. When my husband and I first decided to try to have a child we adopted an “if it happens then great” attitude and didn’t really think much about it beyond a general agreement that we thought we were ready and really hoped it “worked” soon. As the negative pregnancy tests piled up we began to realize that it might not be that easy and began to get a little more diligent in our efforts. We started tracking my cycles, taking basal body temperatures, and made sure that efforts to conceive were happening at the right time of the month. After about a year, and after noticing that I was not ovulating regularly, I visited my gynecologist and was prescribed clomid.
That is when we made a crucial decision that we gave absolutely no forethought. As I began to take the clomiphene, that we eventually dubbed the “crazy pills,” we were pretty open with friends and family about the treatment and our inability to conceive up to that point. Initially, our openness made it a lot easier. When friends began to announce their pregnancies they already knew that my husband and I were having trouble and were more tactful about their excitement and invites to baby showers and such. After months of unsuccessful clomid treatment (that included some set-backs like the dog eating the pills) we were beginning to fear that being parents was just not in the cards for us. As our dissapointments and concerns grew, we started to regret that so many people knew of our struggles and were constantly inquiring, usually with looks of pity or sorrow that made us cringe.
So, when we began IVF treatment (and after suffering a very public miscarriage) you would have thought we had learned our lesson and would maybe be a little less forthcoming. That was not the case. By the time we got to the point of starting our IVF cycle “everyone” knew. Some of the people we told I don’t know how we could avoid it, or how others don’t tell. My boss had to know because of all the time away from work that it required for appointments and imposed rest. Friends that I play on tennis leagues with knew because I had to find subs for many days. Our family knew because we cycled around the holidays and due to monitoring appointments and medication protocols we were unable to travel as usual and I was getting shots daily.
It never really bothered me that so many people knew during our cycle because it was an excellent support network. However, when we were in the infamous two week wait I was seriously regretting the number of people who were waiting along with us for the results. It added so much pressure, and thanks to questions and inquiries I was constantly reminded of all that we had on the line. Thankfully, the results were positive and then the tide turned again. I was actually happy that people knew that we endured IVF and the ultimate result because I then did not have to feel as though it had to be secret for the first three months. I was over worried throughout the pregnancy that something would go wrong again and I can’t imagine enduring that without friends and family to talk to.
So, am I advocating telling or not telling? The answer is that I don’t really know if being open and upfront about it is the way to go. I do know that fertility treatment is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. I also believe that it helps relieve some of the stress and burden to not have to make excuses or keep secrets about what you are doing. I suppose that, like so many other things involved with infertility, the best approach is to survey your life, your thoughts and emotions and do what is best for you and your partner.
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