According to RESOLVE, A National Infertility Association that is an excellent resource and support outlet, over three million Americans are affected by secondary infertility and in fact it has “a higher prevalence rate than primary infertility.” Secondary infertility came onto my radar after I learned that a friend with a seven year-old child was struggling to conceive and had been trying for a sibling for her daughter for several years. I had never really given much thought to this very common problem, and if I am being honest was probably more often in the camp of “they should be happy they have a child.”
As I talked more and more to the friend suffering through Secondary Infertility I realized just how devastating the condition could be, and also was made aware of some issues and challenges that are faced when you already have a child and are trying to have another. Marriages are still tested because couples have varying viewpoints on the infertility issue – one perhaps thinking it happened once it will happen again while the other wants to find out what is wrong and make her partner understand why the situation is so tough even if they have already been blessed with a child. Relationship concerns are just one of the many that arises with infertility of any kind, but one that is unique to secondary infertility that I had previously not given much thought is the issue of the time and attention fertility treatments require. My friend was perpetually guilt-ridden over the time she spent focused on efforts to conceive a second child and what it was doing to her relationship with her first born. She simultaneously worried that she would never again have the experience of welcoming a newborn into her family while fretting the loss of time and attention with her daughter.
Now, I know that whether struggling to conceive your first, second or even third or fourth; difficulties having a baby are heartbreaking and stressful regardless of if you are already a mom. I almost think a person struggling with secondary infertility is more likely to “give up” on their “dream” family because once you already have a child so many people encourage you to appreciate your blessings and just let things be. I, through my friendship with someone suffering through secondary infertility, resolved to be more understanding of all fertility hardships and to try to empathize with any and everyone struggling to conceive the baby they want so much. Once I opened my eyes to the reality that infertility is not a competition – you aren’t given a prize for being the “best” or most down and out infertile person – I realized that every situation is unique and challenges are different for every person. The basic fact is that the inability to make your dream of being a mom come true, having a family, and living the life you intended, is just downright hard no matter what the circumstances.
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