In the world of infertility you often feel as though you should be “game” for anything – you know that you are going through all of this to have a child and you can sometimes be made to feel selfish or unenlightened if you have a desire to have a biological child. If you want to be pregnant, you often have this niggling thought in the back of your mind that pregnancy should not be a goal – a baby should – and that means that you are always cautious when you talk about conceiving. I always made sure I talked about wanting a baby instead of saying “I want to be pregnant” for fear that I would be judged as if I wanted pregnancy more than I wanted to actually have a baby.
Darn it all though, I really did want to know what the fuss was all about. I wanted to buy maternity clothes, and feel a baby kick and see my body transform. I wanted the baby more, of course, and no matter how a baby came into my life I would feel unbelievably blessed but I definitely had “baby bump” envy. I often hear of people talk about their “dream wedding” – I never really imagined what my wedding would be like but I definitely spent a lot of time wondering what pregnancy would be like, even from a young age. When I was younger and knew nothing about my impending fertility troubles, I would put a pillow in my shirt and pretend that I had a baby on the way.
Who am I kidding? Even after I found that I would not get pregnant easily, I would still daydream about pregnancy. As much as I despised my “pooch” when not pregnant, I longed for the days that there would be a reason for the excess fat. Of course, as long as I was dreaming and pretending, I did envision my pregnant body somewhere in the range of 20 pounds lighter all over with only a cute little round belly to show to the world that I was expecting. For me, coming to terms with the realization that I might never enjoy a pregnancy was as difficult as many of the other harsh realities of infertility. I was all for adopting if that is the path that we were eventually led to, but I was mourning the loss of carrying a child and grieving over the fact that I might not get to experience something that most other mothers did.
If you, too, have a desire to know what pregnancy is all about don’t feel guilty. I honestly believe that it is perfectly normal to want that – to want to “join the club” and experience what it is like to be a child-bearing woman. If that is the reason you are pursuing fertility treatments and you and your partner are on the same page, don’t let anyone make you feel as though you should just move on or pursue other avenues to building your family. Do what is right for you and your desires – if that includes being pregnant or having a biological child with your eyes and his nose – then know that you are entitled to those feelings and you deserve to pursue the path that is most fulfilling to you. If you do find that you will not be able to carry a child or get pregnant allow yourself to grieve the loss of your hopes and dreams and then get excited about your next step. You may find that the “club” of people who adopted in the same way as you, or who are also foster families, or who are becoming parents through surrogacy, is just as much fun (or more) than the pregnant contingent.
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