Sometimes couples are not on the same page when it comes to fertility treatments. In my relationship, my husband was much more willing to wait and give it time than I was. He didn’t feel the same sense of urgency that I did, nor the overwhelming feeling as though in quicksand with no control over anything that I wanted to do. As if the inability to conceive was not frustrating enough, dealing with a lack of understanding from the man I wanted to have children with as well almost sent me over the edge.
There were times that I actually thought long and hard about the question of whether I wanted the baby or the husband more. That might sound callous and insensitive, but when exposed to the world of IVF and infertility treatments you learn that the role of the husband is relatively easy to fill in other ways if the need arises, and if the baby is your ultimate goal then an uncooperative spouse is dispensable. In moments of real despair (or temper) I even contemplated allowing my husband to move on and remarry a fertile woman who could conceive the “natural” way – saving him from having to be on board with fertility treatments.
I mentioned this to him only once. He was appalled that I would even suggest such a thing. He said that he married me, loved me and didn’t want children with anyone else. He tried to make me understand that his hesitancy was mostly a result of him being very happy with me and him not thinking that we needed children to complete our lives. This discussion was actually a turning point that enabled us to really talk about our fears, our concerns and our relationship. I was able to convey to him that while I too was very happy with him and as a couple, I could not handle the wait and see approach much longer and needed to feel as though I was doing something to make my baby dreams come true.
I told him that I loved him endlessly, and that if after treatments we were still childless that I could accept that we would live our lives as a childless couple and enjoy travel and more dispensable income. But, I needed to give it our best effort and that meant pursuing fertility treatments and soon! I also told him some things that I feared he would perceive as romanticized or silly – like that when I married him I did so envisioning what a wonderful father he would be, and that my dreams of our future included scenes of our family around the Thanksgiving table or of him walking our daughter down the aisle. I don’t know why I didn’t bare my soul sooner, since the result was exactly what I had been hoping for and not getting through other methods (tirades, crying, pleading…). We all have heard that a baby won’t fix a marriage in trouble, and we also know that having a child can challenge even the best of relationships. Nevertheless, if you are part of a couple trying to conceive and you and your partner don’t exactly see eye to eye on what your next steps should be try to see beyond the ultimate goal of having a child and attempt to nurture your relationship that brought you to this point in the first place. You might just be surprised at what the hang-ups actually are and how easy they are to overcome.
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