In 2002 December 4th was going to be my due date with our first baby. I miscarried about 10 weeks along so we never made it to that special delivery day. Yet, every year, I think about our baby and remember the joy of being pregnant. I also remember the extreme sorrow when we lost him. (I write "him" although I have no proof besides how I felt when I was carrying him. I thought for sure that our baby was a boy.)

The first year of loss I had a princess day with one of my best girlfriends. We both took the day off from work, got manicures and pedicures and went to lunch. It wasn't sad, we stayed busy to not think about it too much. I remember getting in the car that day and Chris had put a card on my driver's seat. He wrote that although he knew that the day would be hard, I should try my best to have fun at my appointments. It really showed me how much he had internalized the date as well. The following years have also been busy, and maybe not so focused on the loss, but it is there none the less.

Our due date meant a lot to us, especially in the context of Chris' life. His birthday is December 1 and his brother's is December 3. Everyone chuckled when we told them that the 4th was our day. A lot of people even said that maybe the baby and Chris would have the same birthday.

Today was a normal day. Running errands, cleaning house, fixing food. But my mind keeps going back to 2002 at different times, especially when I look at Ivy and Bec. Mostly, I realize that I wouldn't have Ivy, but I still may possibly had been able to Bec's adoption as the timeline would still be similar.